You may not know its name, but you’ve probably experienced diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). It’s that feeling you get when you’re out of control and your emotions take over your body. Some people call it “flooding.”
Physical Flooding
Flooding is a physiological response to a threat in your environment—maybe a fight with your partner, for example. When you’re flooded, your body releases stress hormones that affect your brain and body. Physically, you tense up, your breathing changes, and your heart hammers.
Mental Flooding
Meanwhile, your brain is working overtime to protect you from your perceived threat. If you’re in an argument with your partner, your brain may shutdown instead of remaining as open as you usually are. You circle the wagons and focus on yourself, and in that state, you are more likely to be defensive, say things you don’t mean, and generally look out for yourself without considering your partner.
When you are flooded, it’s difficult to behave in a way that is good for your relationship. When you are relaxed, you are more likely to be open-minded, curious, affectionate, and ready to solve what problems come your way. You are also more likely to have your sense of humor intact. And there’s nothing like a little humor to diffuse a conflict with your partner.
Instead of yelling, stonewalling, or stomping out of the room, consider some ways to sandbag the flooding:
Take a time-out. Take enough time to calm down—twenty minutes at least. (Nobody ever calmed down when told to “calm down.” So just say you’d like to take a break.) Then agree to a time when you both will be ready to reconvene.
Relax deliberately. Play some soothing music, take a bubble bath, do some breathing exercises. Whatever helps you decompress and reduce stress. And remember that angrily texting your best friend about what a jerk your partner is, is not a good way to decompress.
Reconvene with an apology first. When you finally get back together, come with a humble heart. Reassure your partner that you’d like to try having the conversation again now that you are no longer flooded. Apologize for your part in the conflict.
When you begin your conversation again, be gentle. Don’t be accusatory—instead, say how you feel. “I get upset when I feel like you’re not paying attention to me.” Not “You never listen to me; you’re so self-centered.” You can see how the latter statement is simply not helpful.
Heads up for future conflicts. There’s every chance you can reduce future conflicts if you and your partner discuss your situation. Do you see recurring patterns? Is there a stressor in your lives that you can reduce? Are there things you can change to make your lives easier? If you can reduce outside stressors, your ability to communicate without flooding will be improved.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact
