There’s a lot to be said for being in control. You feel confident and secure when you’re in
charge. You know how things should be done, and you know what the outcomes should be. You
are a perfectionist in all that you do. These are all important traits when you are at work, for
example, and it’s important for you to be in control. But when you over-control in a relationship,
problems arise.
What is over-controlling behavior?
You feel like everything needs to be perfect, down to the last detail.
You know how things should be, and how people should behave, without question.
You carry your cards close to your vest, and never let your guard down.
You are sometimes chastised for being too hard on others, as well as yourself.
You feel that things need to be done and problems need to be solved immediately.
You sometimes overextend yourself and overwork because only you can do the task.
If you feel that any of the statements above are true about you, then you might consider that
over-control issues may affect your relationship with your partner.
How does over-controlling affect your partner?
When you want to be perfect, and you want your partner to be perfect, too, there’s bound to be
conflict. Or, you just may have expectations that your partner doesn’t live up to, perfect or not.
The key is, you want your partner to behave differently, and you want to control his behavior so
he performs as you would like. That’s a recipe for disaster.
A friend was helping his partner cook dinner. He volunteered to prepare the vegetables and as
he was working, his partner hovered over him, worried. Finally, she could control herself no
longer, because she needed to control him.
“That’s not the way you cut green beans!” she said,
and proceeded to lecture him on the ‘proper’ way. In fact, though, it was really inconsequential
how he cut the beans, and this was not the first time he endured a scolding. Finally, he had had
enough. He put the knife down and walked out of the kitchen, and maybe out of her life.How can you change your over-controlling behavior?
Think before you speak. This takes practice, but you can do it. Pause and breathe
deeply before you criticize. Take a time out.
Be direct, but not critical of your partner. Tell him how you feel without pointing a finger at
him. Try to find what positive action he could take without saying what you don’t like.
Practice really listening to your partner. Let him share how he feels, too. And if
necessary, agree to disagree.
Accept the fact that no two people are exactly alike. There is more than one way to cut
green beans, and your partner can’t always think or behave the way you’d like. There is seldom
only one right way to behave.
When you try to relax a little and surrender the need to control everything all the time, you’ll find
your relationship will be healthier and better for you both.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective
counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: