Multiple studies have been conducted exploring the idea that two people can develop a close relationship by sharing their most intimate thoughts. In one famous study the two people involved began as strangers, but soon, through a series of increasingly more probing questions, they became close. The questions began innocuously enough, as a getting-to-know-you exercise. They progressed to more personal issues that left each person feeling vulnerable.
When the self-disclosure is reciprocal, both parties are putting themselves on the line. But it’s difficult to open up to be completely, to-the-bone honest with yourself, let alone someone else. The reward, though, can be worth it. Shared vulnerability generates trust and intimacy, the foundation for a loving relationship.
So, then, do we fall in love? Is it something that just happens to us? Or can we take action to make it happen? Or maybe it’s a combination of both.
Conversation Starters
If you’re at a social gathering, and want to inject some interest into the conversation, you might ask what someone’s perfect day would look like. You can get to know a lot about a person with just this question alone. Another question that generates insight is: What three people, living or dead, would you like to invite to dinner? Of course, you should consider what you would answer to these questions, since getting to know someone else is a two-way street.
Getting Closer
The next thing to explore is how you feel about your accomplishments, what you’re proud that you achieved and what you wish you could have done, but haven’t. And why not? You’ll want to explore values that are important, like what constitutes a good friend. And what’s your most cherished memory. Or your worst memory. And find out how you both feel about your childhood, your family relationships, and your connections to your siblings and parents.
Probing Deeper
Be totally honest about what you find attractive about your partner, both physically and mentally. Tell your partner the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you—something you don’t readily talk about. And he must do the same. What was the last thing that made you cry? Did you cry alone or in front of someone? If you were to die tomorrow, would you have regrets? What would they be? Share a problem you have and ask for help in solving it.
If falling in love is something you can be proactive about, try getting close to your partner by asking questions. And giving honest answers in return. When you have shared your inner-most thoughts, you are more likely to feel a close, intimate love for one another.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact
