The Art of Listening Can Save Your Marriage

by Nancy Travers,LCSW

The reason that so many of us don’t listen is that it’s easier to talk than to shut our mouths and take in what the other person is saying. Listening is an art and a skill, which is good news for those of us who aren’t born listeners. In a marriage or a long-term relationship, listening is so important because it validates the other person’s feelings and it makes the listener feel that you want to spend time with them. One of the first things that that leaves a good marriage is the simple act of listening to the other person speak.

Here are a few quick and dirty listening skills you can start implementing today:

  • Realize that listening is something you want to do well and that you will commit to your daily practice. If you do listen, then the other person will tell you everything you need to do if you just pay attention and stay in the present. The hard part for many people is not thinking about the next appointment, or the football game or what’s for lunch. But if you stop multitasking and focus on your partner, listening will become easier with time.
  • Let the other person do the talking for once. If you are a Chatty Cathy, stick to the 70/30 rule, where you only speak 30% of the time. One trick is to place your hand on your chin and keep it there while the other person speaks.
  • Don’t interrupt. Even if they are speaking about something that reminds you of something very relevant or important. Interrupting invalidates your partner’s feelings, making them think that what they say is trivial. Place your hand on your chin again and refrain from interrupting!
  • Learn active listening. With active listening, you receive your partner’s words and then you mash them up in your head to re-phrase and repeat them. By doing so, you will communicate clearly and settle any misunderstandings or confusions right away.
  • Learn about body language. If the other person has their arms crossed or if they are playing with their hair or clothing, then they are not listening to you. This may be a good time to acknowledge this with this person and tell them they your conversation should happen at a later time when it’s better for them.
  • Asking questions (see next segment) requires some skill, but questions are the best way to stay engaged to the other person and have them open up to you. One thing to remember: ask a question and then shut up. Tips for Asking Questions for Effective Listening
  • Ask open-ended questions. Some examples include, “Tell me about the time you locked your keys in your car.” “What do think about that?” “What was your favorite part?”
  • Don’t Get Defensive. Asking “Why?” puts everyone on the defensive. An alternative is asking “How come?” or “What if?”
  • Ask for their advice. Ask, “What do you think I should do?” Everyone loves to feel that their opinion and their voice matters.
  • Offer alternatives. Giving an alternative makes the other person feel that you care.
  • Ask about their feelings. Ask “How do you feel about this?”

Like any worthy endeavor, listening takes time and practice to get it right, but the rewards are great. If you are become a good or great listener, you will be strengthen your relationship, achieve a deeper connection with your spouse, solve problems and misunderstandings quickly and learn more about your spouse so you can be a better partner to him or her.


Nancy Travers is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She specializes in all types of relationships; We all want them, We all need them; How to get em and Keep them. Nancy’s office is located at 1600 Dove Street, Suite 260, Newport Beach, CA 92660.

For more information or to make an appointment, call 949-510- 9423 or contact us.
copyright a division of Counseling Corner, Inc.
As seen in The Blade magazine June 2005.

 

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy exploring some of our other articles that dive deeper into the topics of relationships, communication, and emotional wellness. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your current connection, better understand co-dependency, or prepare for a healthy marriage, these related posts offer valuable insights and tools to support your journey. Take a look—you may find just what you need.

Related Posts

Uncategorized
Nancy Travers

The Trifecta of Tortured Relationships: Why You Feel So Alone Together

The Trifecta of Tortured Relationships: Why You Feel So Alone Together When couples first come together, it feels like magic. You feel emotionally safe. Supported. Loved. Your partner is the one person you can count on in times of trouble and triumph—a true safe harbor. But over time, that connection can erode. You may feel alone even when you’re together. You might start to wonder: When trust breaks down, emotional

Read More »

Choose Your Partner

A friend told me that every time her husband touches her arm with affection, which is every morning as they wake up, she is stunned that he loves her. No matter what stupid stuff she did the day before, no matter how permanently flawed her personality, he demonstrates that he loves her. Unconditionally. He cherishes her and he lets her know it, even though he merely touches her arm. It’s

Read More »

What and How ADHD Affects Relationships

What ADHD Is in a Relationship Context ADHD isn’t just about distractibility or hyperactivity. It’s a neurological difference that affects: These issues don’t just show up at work or school — they show up at home, in arguments, in missed cues, and in emotional connections. 💥 How ADHD Affects Relationships 1. Forgetfulness & Disorganization 2. Inattention & Distractibility 3. Impulsivity 4. Hyperfocus (Ironically!) 5. Emotional Dysregulation 6. Uneven Responsibility ❤️

Read More »
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING SERVICES

Find The Counseling Service That Is Right For You

At Nancy’s Counseling Corner, we’re here to support every stage of your relationship journey. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your marriage, preparing for lifelong commitment through premarital counseling, or working through the emotions of separation and divorce, our services are designed with care, compassion, and expertise. We specialize in Marriage Counseling, Relationship Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Divorce Counseling, Co-dependency Counseling—and so much more. No matter where you are, healing and growth are possible. Let’s take that next step—together.

Marriage & Couples Counseling

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires hard work, love, care, and understanding the needs of other people.

Relationship Counseling

Can help you find–and keep–the love of your life. Relationships are challenging and require an extensive amount of patience.

Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling is an emotional and strenuous thought for those seeking to solve marital problems.

Depression Counseling

Depression is a mental disorder characterized by at least 10-14 days of noticeable or recognizable low mood.

Co-dependency

“Codependency” is a term we hear thrown around a lot these days, though many of us aren’t sure exactly what it means.

Premarital Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Anxiety Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Meditation

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Hypnosis

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.