Every couple has a different path and a unique relationship. But most couples have a
similar goal, and that is to have a long and happy life together. Even though everyone is
distinctly individual, there are some universal axioms that all couples might find useful if
they’re striving for a good, solid, long-term relationship.
Kindergarten Skills
Things you learned in kindergarten are useful your entire life. Kindergarten is where you
discover how to get along with others, how to make friends, how to take turns. In a
relationship, these fundamental skills are important. If you can be civil as a five-year-old,
you can be civil now. It’s just that sometimes couples forget to be civil to one another.
You should at least be as nice to your partner as you were to your friend in kindergarten.
When you take turns talking instead of talking over or talking past your partner, you
have a better chance of communicating well. When you take turns, one person can
listen–truly listen–and the other person can be heard. Pay attention when your partner
is speaking and when they are finished, paraphrase what you heard to confirm you
understood what your partner meant to convey.
Viva la Difference
No two people have the same expectations, desires, or worldview. Your partner can’t
be the same as you, and so you have to manage the differences between you. It’s one
the most important skills you can have in a relationship.
If you try to manage your differences by proving your way is the best, you’re bound to
have problems. But if you are flexible enough to try to reconcile your differences with
your partner, you have a better chance. Be flexible, too, about trying to see and accept
your partner’s perspective. Maybe he has a good point of view that you’ve never considered. Be open to other ideas. Be curious about why your partner thinks the way
he does. It will help you understand him.
Right v Happy
Being right is satisfying, but it has no correlation to being happy. In fact, if you are stuck
on insisting that you’re right and your partner’s wrong, you’re bound to be unhappy. You
get into a cycle of attacking and defending that can be a bad habit. Even if you actually
are right, and your facts are neatly on your side, you are more argumentative than when
you focus on feelings. When the facts are so obviously correct, how can your partner
feel the way he does? It’s a good idea to find out why, without judgement. When you
focus on feelings, you are less apt to be adversarial and more apt to be understanding.
Intentional Approach
You’ve heard the bromide about the boiling frog. You become desensitized to a bad
situation and let it go on until your relationship is cooked. Sometimes couples just take
the path of least resistance and let life go on on a subpar level. It might be easier, but it
can be detrimental to your relationship. When you make proactive decisions about how
you want to live, you decide what’s right for you both. You take an intentional approach
to living every day. It can be empowering.
Play Together, Stay Together
Laughter is the best medicine for a healthy relationship. Judicious use of humor can
even deflate a potentially explosive argument. But more than that, when you have fun
together, or find humor wherever you can, sometimes in unexpected moments, you
build a connection with one another. It gets stronger with every laugh you share.
Know Thyself
Couples who understand their own and their partner’s wants and needs are more likely
to help each other build fulfilling lives. If you think about it, you probably already know
what’s getting in the way of your happiness. You know what’s working and what’s not
working in your relationship. You know what you’ve been avoiding discussing and you
know what you’ve been tolerating that you wish you didn’t have to. Sometimes, though,
it’s hard to know, and that’s when therapy with a qualified professional can help.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective
counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here:
https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact