Sex is often the cornerstone of a good relationship. Sure, it’s possible to have a wonderful relationship without it, but sex can really enhance and strengthen your journey as a couple. In fact, research tells us that couples who are committed long-term, and who can communicate with each other about their sex life, have better sex and have it more often than those who don’t talk about it. They feel comfortable enough to share their most intimate feelings because they trust their partner. Their partner is there for them emotionally, and that is the biggest turn-on of all.
But not all sex is created equal. Research tells us that there are three types of sex.
I’m-Too-Sexy-for-My-Shirt Sex
This sex is all about finding a way to relieve sexual tension, with few other considerations. The other person involved isn’t really important, except as a confirmation that you’re sexy and you can feel good about your sexual prowess. The orgasm is all, and the better your performance, the better you feel. But this self-centered sex is not great in a long-term relationship.
Let’s face it. This kind of performance-oriented sex is usually something men practice. They can go from zero to orgasm pretty fast and feel satisfied. Women, on the other hand, take longer to get aroused and need a little more emotional interaction with their partner to really become aroused and enjoy sex.
Occasionally, I’m-Too-Sexy Sex is okay in a relationship if it’s mutually satisfying. But if it’s the usual everyday sex, then you’ve got a problem because it’s selfish and makes one partner feel used and emotionally cut-off. It makes that partner wonder if they are any better than a one-night-stand. And that can lead to a lonely lack of connection.
Insecure Sex
This type of sex takes place when you’re unsure of your partner. Does he care about you? Is he going to be there for you? Can you depend on him? If you’re having this kind of sex, you may be using sex to win his approval and keep him happy with you. You’re pleasing him to gain his affection.
When you are insecure about how your partner feels about you, you are more susceptible to being hurt by rejection. If your partner doesn’t feel like making love, it sends you into a free-fall of emotion, wondering if he really loves you at all. But your partner can’t always feel the same as you—your libidos are not identical—so there’s bound to be some let-down from time to time.
A more emotionally secure response would be that you’re disappointed that he’s not interested in sex at the moment, but perhaps you could cuddle and talk instead of making love. You need to assuage your anxiety and enjoy your sexuality without feeling like you will lose your partner if you don’t perform. When you feel safe and confident, you will both enjoy sex when you do have it.
Fulfilling Sex
When you have a strong emotional bond, you are both open and considerate with each other. You are secure enough to explore what your partner might like and mature enough to change course when your partner indicates it. You are responsive to your partner’s needs. You both feel safe enough with each other to be yourselves. To talk about what your needs and likes are. To play and explore and let yourself go enough to fully enjoy making love. You understand what your partner needs with a kind of sixth sense, responding to your partner’s feelings as he responds to yours. You have a physical and mental state compatible with your partner’s.
This kind of fulfilling sex deepens your bond as a couple and makes you both feel desirable as sexual beings. You feel joyful together. Your shared experience makes you feel closer and more loving. Couples who have fulfilling sex have sex more often and enjoy it more. They feel safe with one another, knowing their partner is there for them physically and emotionally.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact