If you’re a people pleaser, you know who you are. Always trying to make other people happy. Never ruffling anyone’s feathers. Fixing things so everyone feels good. Sometimes at the risk of your own well-being.
The trouble is, you can’t really make other people feel a certain way. You cannot change others’ behaviors. You can only change yourself. When you encounter behavior from others that you don’t like, you can ask them to change. But it seldom works. What does work is changing your response to their behavior.
Setting Boundaries to Save Yourself
Sarah made Bob crazy because she was always late. Bob felt this was not only disrespectful to him and his time, but also put unnecessary stress on him. He would pick her up and she was never ready, which in turn made Bob late, too. He hated to be late because he felt it was rude. He hated to be rude and, as he saw it, Sarah was making him be rude.
Bob pleaded with her to be on time, but she could never seem to manage it. She’d do better for a while, but eventually she’d slide back to her old bad habits. Bob would tell her to be ready a half hour before he needed to pick her up, but she caught onto that tactic in a hurry. Finally, Bob said he could only wait 15 minutes for her and then he’d go without her. And the first time she was over the limit he did, indeed, leave without her.
Bob had to set a limit, make a boundary. He did it to protect himself. Obviously, Sarah was inured to his need or just didn’t care enough about him to make a change. So, Bob had to make a change to his own behavior. In that way, he didn’t have to depend on Sarah’s participation.
Try Being Straightforward
Bob was setting a boundary with Sarah. He could have said a number of things to protect himself. Like:
“I really enjoy being with you, but I feel like you don’t care about me enough to be on time when it’s important to me.”
“I know I’ve put up with you being late in the past, but I’m trying to take better care of myself, and it stresses me too much to make other people wait.”
“I don’t want to hurt you because I care about you, but I cannot allow you to disrespect me anymore.”
Communicate how you feel, and do it honestly, from the heart. Then be sure you follow through. In Bob’s case, he left Sarah, still fixing her hair in the bathroom, and went to meet friends by himself. It was a somewhat radical thing to do, especially when he really wanted Sarah to be with him, but protecting himself was more important. Following through is key.
Disengaging From Others
Remembering that you can’t control others, only yourself, comes in handy when you feel you’re being mistreated. You can choose to disengage from others who are not respectful of you. How much are you willing to take? Know your limits and then end the phone call, or don’t text back, or don’t respond. If you feel yourself falling into the same old argument, it’s time to disengage. Leave the room if you have to. Sometimes you even have to leave the relationship. Your time and your self-esteem are valuable.
Learning to Say No
People pleasers often have trouble saying that simple, one-syllable word No. If you’ve ever found yourself baking cookies for a bake sale, and you hate baking, practice saying that magic word, No. If that seems too terse, try, “I’m sorry, I just can’t.” Or “That’s not going to work for me.” Or “Maybe some other time.” You don’t have to do everything everyone asks of you. Really. And you shouldn’t. You have a life and it’s precious. Protect it by saying No when the need arises.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
