How Your Childhood Affects You—For Generations

Did you ever notice when your family gets together—years after you’ve grown up and been on your own—that you revert to the way you were as a kid? That your mother treats you the same way she used to? And your father and siblings do, too? Were you the lazy one? Or the unreliable one? Or the scatterbrained one? Even though you’ve long outgrown these traits and are an accomplished human being, you still have parts of you from your childhood that you carry deep within you.

During childhood, you learned to adapt. You and your family had patterns of behavior that you learned to adapt to in order to survive. When you grew up and left your nuclear family, you left that behavior template behind and found new patterns and new systems of behavior. But you gravitate toward that which is comfortable and familiar. You gravitate toward parts of yourself that you recognize from your childhood. Even when that is negative and self-destructive.

How Your Childhood Affects You—For Generations Nancy'S Counseling Corner

The templates you learned frame the expectations you have of relationships and your style of attachment. You probably don’t have a way of articulating this; it’s more unconscious than not, but it affects your life. In turn, it affects the patterns you develop when you bring up your children, and they bring up theirs.

Secure and Insecure Attachment

If you had a stable, loving environment growing up, chances are you feel secure in your relationships with others. You know who you are and how to be with yourself and others. You are naturally going to behave similarly with your children.

If you had a childhood where your needs weren’t met—maybe your parents were raised in a dysfunctional household—you may separate from parts of yourself that you need to connect with others. Then when you’re a parent you don’t have the positive experience or the established behavior pattern to rely on, you perpetuate that disconnection. A part of you is closed off, as a protection against hurt and because you’ve adapted to save yourself from grief. You don’t have a good sense of self and your pattern of disconnection is repeated through generations.

Learning How to Meet Your Own Needs

When you have a disconnect, eventually you learn to come together within yourself or you don’t. When you feel insecure and a lack of worth, you hope someone else will save you—make you whole, make you feel worthy.

For example, if your mother was a narcissist—because of the way she was raised—and you grew up understanding that her needs were more important than yours, you might spend a good part of your life in her shadow. She was ill equipped to attend to your needs. Eventually you’d realize this and accept it. No one can fill the void except you. You will have to define your own self, give yourself worth. And grieve the loss of all those times the mother you wish you had could not meet your needs. She will not make you whole. Only you can do that.

 

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact

 

 

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy exploring some of our other articles that dive deeper into the topics of relationships, communication, and emotional wellness. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your current connection, better understand co-dependency, or prepare for a healthy marriage, these related posts offer valuable insights and tools to support your journey. Take a look—you may find just what you need.

Related Posts

Is She/He Right for You?

In the rush of a new relationship, you stay up all night talking. You can’t stop thinking about him. And every minute you’re away from him seems to drag in slow motion. You’re in the first stage of love, and your hormones are racing. You can’t think straight. Because you are human, there’s no getting around your physical reaction. You are designed to bond, and in so doing, your body

Read More »

Gaslighting vs Respect

That’s a really important contrast to look at — gaslighting vs. respect in relationships — because they sit on totally opposite ends of the emotional health spectrum. 🔥 Gaslighting (Disrespect in Disguise) Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where one person makes the other doubt their reality, memory, or feelings. It often looks like: “That never happened; you’re just being dramatic.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.” Twisting facts to

Read More »

Where Is Your Soulmate?

Remember that great line from the movie, Jerry McGuire? The title character tells his girl, “You complete me”. Such a wonderful, romantic scene. And a wonderful, romantic notion: That your soul is only half there, and you travel the world until you meet the one person who completes the other half of you. Your soulmate. But that notion overlooks the truth. It takes time and energy to forge a healthy,

Read More »
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING SERVICES

Find The Counseling Service That Is Right For You

At Nancy’s Counseling Corner, we’re here to support every stage of your relationship journey. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your marriage, preparing for lifelong commitment through premarital counseling, or working through the emotions of separation and divorce, our services are designed with care, compassion, and expertise. We specialize in Marriage Counseling, Relationship Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Divorce Counseling, Co-dependency Counseling—and so much more. No matter where you are, healing and growth are possible. Let’s take that next step—together.

Marriage & Couples Counseling

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires hard work, love, care, and understanding the needs of other people.

Relationship Counseling

Can help you find–and keep–the love of your life. Relationships are challenging and require an extensive amount of patience.

Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling is an emotional and strenuous thought for those seeking to solve marital problems.

Depression Counseling

Depression is a mental disorder characterized by at least 10-14 days of noticeable or recognizable low mood.

Co-dependency

“Codependency” is a term we hear thrown around a lot these days, though many of us aren’t sure exactly what it means.

Premarital Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Anxiety Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Meditation

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Hypnosis

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.