I have a friend whose father, in a fit of disdain, said to her, “You’re so emotional.” It was not a compliment. Showing emotion used to be something the undisciplined, uncontrolled person did. Overly emotional people were to be pitied. But that was decades ago.
Today, people who show emotion and understand their emotions can be said to have emotional intelligence, or EI. Some say EI is more important than IQ. Research shows that those who have emotional intelligence skills are healthier and happier, with a better chance at being more successful on the job and at home.
But how do you acquire emotional intelligence skills?
Awareness. The first key is to be aware of your emotions. Learn to notice how you’re feeling and pause to reflect. Give your emotions a name and note the nuances of your experience.
Self-management. When you find yourself flooded with emotion in a charged situation, stop. Give yourself time to observe your thoughts and then resolve to take control. Instead of knee-jerk-reacting, engage your brain and respond with intention. Give yourself the opportunity to choose how you respond. This is easier said than done. The trick is to know what triggers you, and to imagine how you must appear to others when you’re all keyed up. That will help you mentally step out of yourself and consider how you should act when you are calm.
Inner Chatter. We all have conversations going on inside our heads. Sometimes this self-talk is not constructive. Sometimes it’s even detrimental to your mental health. Negative self-talk can fuel your response in highly charged situations in a way that can bring you remorse later. To avoid that, take the time to examine your self-talk when you are not in a highly charged situation. You may want to tweak your inner chatter to be more positive. This will give you practice for adjusting how you talk to yourself in more difficult situations.
Help From Others. Someone close to you may be able to read you better than you can when you’re keyed up. Enlist their help. When you’re calm, decide on a signal they can use to indicate when you need to take a time-out. This may be beyond irritating in the moment but try to remember you enlisted their help. They have your best interest at heart.
Curiosity. We are human and sometimes jump to conclusions. Often those conclusions stimulate negative emotions. Instead of being quick to judge, try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. What could they be feeling? How are they motivated? What makes them think the way they do? Being curious not only helps you apply the breaks to your own run-away emotions, it helps you become more empathetic.
When you recognize that an emotional storm is brewing, you have a better chance to protect yourself from emotional storm damage.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact