Are You a Rescuer Who Picks the Wrong Partner?

Do you pick the wrong partner over and over? Do you look for a fixer-upper—someone you can help? If you’re honest with yourself, do you seek out relationships that require you to rescue or enable your partner? And when you can’t change or fix him, do you move on to the next person you can “help?” It’s a cycle you can break only when you realize why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Molly grew up in a household with a narcissistic mother. Molly was taught at an early age that she was an appendage—her mother, after all, was star of the show. There was nothing Molly could do to earn her mother’s love no matter how she tried. Her self-esteem was rock bottom.

Molly was always meeting her mother’s needs before hers. She eventually learned to meet her own needs by meeting the needs of other people. She connected with others through rescuing them, thus giving her a reason to exist. When she grew up enough to seek out partners, she sought men who needed rescuing—men who needed her to save them, thus giving her validation. Because when she’s not saving someone, she’s not feeling worthwhile.

The trouble is, the men Molly’s attracted to are broken and often unfixable. They can never fill the empty hole in Molly’s psyche. Yet she continues to find lovers who need rescuing because they make her feel needed, which to her, equates with love. Molly depends on her role as rescuer to give her a sense of self worth. Sp she readily commits to relationships with men who fill that need in her—the need to feel needed.

Are You A Rescuer Who Picks The Wrong Partner? Nancy'S Counseling Corner

Some rescuers never give up rescuing because they have to admit it’s a failed strategy, a tough thing for anyone to do. But once they accept they aren’t getting what they want they can start examining what does work. When Molly got tired of working hard to charge her partners without reward, she began to understand some important truths:

  • Molly’s rescuing had less to do with her partner and more to do with her need to feel needed and loved. Upon reflection, she understood she was yearning for her mother’s love.
  • Molly discovered that no matter how much she wanted to change her partner, if her partner didn’t want to change, it wasn’t going to happen. Staying with a partner you hope will change is a tragic disappointment.
  • Molly realized her hopes for the future of her relationship were unrealistic, and that the first order of business was to look to herself, not to someone else, to develop her self-worth.

The fact is, Molly deserves a healthy, loving relationship. She deserves to feel loved for who she is, not for what she can do for someone else. When Molly began to understand this she could build her self-esteem and become open to being loved for the person she is.

 

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact

 

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy exploring some of our other articles that dive deeper into the topics of relationships, communication, and emotional wellness. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your current connection, better understand co-dependency, or prepare for a healthy marriage, these related posts offer valuable insights and tools to support your journey. Take a look—you may find just what you need.

Related Posts

Uncategorized
Nancy Travers

The Trifecta of Tortured Relationships: Why You Feel So Alone Together

The Trifecta of Tortured Relationships: Why You Feel So Alone Together When couples first come together, it feels like magic. You feel emotionally safe. Supported. Loved. Your partner is the one person you can count on in times of trouble and triumph—a true safe harbor. But over time, that connection can erode. You may feel alone even when you’re together. You might start to wonder: When trust breaks down, emotional

Read More »

Choose Your Partner

A friend told me that every time her husband touches her arm with affection, which is every morning as they wake up, she is stunned that he loves her. No matter what stupid stuff she did the day before, no matter how permanently flawed her personality, he demonstrates that he loves her. Unconditionally. He cherishes her and he lets her know it, even though he merely touches her arm. It’s

Read More »

What and How ADHD Affects Relationships

What ADHD Is in a Relationship Context ADHD isn’t just about distractibility or hyperactivity. It’s a neurological difference that affects: These issues don’t just show up at work or school — they show up at home, in arguments, in missed cues, and in emotional connections. 💥 How ADHD Affects Relationships 1. Forgetfulness & Disorganization 2. Inattention & Distractibility 3. Impulsivity 4. Hyperfocus (Ironically!) 5. Emotional Dysregulation 6. Uneven Responsibility ❤️

Read More »
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING SERVICES

Find The Counseling Service That Is Right For You

At Nancy’s Counseling Corner, we’re here to support every stage of your relationship journey. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your marriage, preparing for lifelong commitment through premarital counseling, or working through the emotions of separation and divorce, our services are designed with care, compassion, and expertise. We specialize in Marriage Counseling, Relationship Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Divorce Counseling, Co-dependency Counseling—and so much more. No matter where you are, healing and growth are possible. Let’s take that next step—together.

Marriage & Couples Counseling

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires hard work, love, care, and understanding the needs of other people.

Relationship Counseling

Can help you find–and keep–the love of your life. Relationships are challenging and require an extensive amount of patience.

Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling is an emotional and strenuous thought for those seeking to solve marital problems.

Depression Counseling

Depression is a mental disorder characterized by at least 10-14 days of noticeable or recognizable low mood.

Co-dependency

“Codependency” is a term we hear thrown around a lot these days, though many of us aren’t sure exactly what it means.

Premarital Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Anxiety Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Meditation

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Hypnosis

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.