A friend of mine from Chicago, Bob, shows his love for his grown sons by contacting them
during a Cubs or Bears game to talk about how great a pass was, or how blind a ref was. It’s his
way to connect and share a closeness with his boys, and sometimes they call him to do the
same. It’s their love language.
People give and receive love in different ways, often depending on the way they were brought
up. Bob grew up in an athletic family and “Let’s go hit some volleys” is a way he shows his
family love on the tennis court. Bob’s wife likes to cook and lavish her food on family and
friends. That’s her love language. The two have wildly different ways of showing love, and
because there are almost limitless ways to do it, there can be disconnects.
When Love Language Is Foreign
For example, a young man in love plans an exotic surprise get-away for his girlfriend. He makes
reservations at a beautiful resort in the tropics, gets the plane tickets and makes arrangements
without her knowing a thing about it. He is thrilled to plan the surprise by sneaking into her
apartment and packing a bag for the warm, beach weather. He calls her boss and surreptitiously
arranges for her to take a day off.
When the time comes that he reveals his surprise, she is mortified. She doesn’t like
surprises–they make her feel out of control. She had planned an important meeting for the day
she is to take off, and has to humbly reschedule. And when she gets to the tropical location, she
does not have the clothes she would like. It’s not a great surprise for her, even though she
knows her boyfriend did it out of love.
She feels ambushed by all the arrangements made behind her back and he feels terribly under
appreciated. All the excitement and joy he had in planning was not valued, and they are both
feeling misunderstood. They each have very different ways to demonstrate their love–they’re
speaking different foreign languages.
Being Kind and CuriousIf you don’t want continual misunderstandings, disappointments and ultimately, resentment,
exhibit some kind curiosity. Ask your love questions so you will understand what’s going through
his mind and get some insight into how you might better connect. Instead of “How was your
day,
” ask more specific questions, like “Did that meeting you had today go as you planned?”
Use what you know to be even more intimate and connected. And don’t forget to share your
experiences and feelings, too.
Catch Your Partner Doing Good
Try to have a bias of positivity. Instead of commenting on what your partner does wrong, focus
on what he does right. Let him know you appreciate him filling the car with gas. Let her know
you are still fond of her flaky biscuits. Notice the small things and thank your partner for them.
Use nonverbal signs, too. Blow a kiss, give a shoulder rub, dance in the kitchen. Turn toward
your partner when he tries to make a connection, even if it’s something as small as a smile. Pay
attention to him and let him know you value him.
The world is a difficult and challenging place. It’s much easier to navigate it with your partner by
your side and on your team. Catch the moments between stressful times to encourage and
connect with your partner. It’s the little love moments that add up to a more satisfying and
healthy relationship. It all starts with knowing how to translate your love’s love language.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective
counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: