When you were a helpless infant, you bonded with your mother or caregiver to
ensure that you could survive. You depended on your caregiver to meet your
primary needs, and this is a key to your subsequent development. Your experience
as an infant shaped your future social, cognitive and emotional predisposition.
While attachment is universal as a coping mechanism for infants, it is not the same
for everyone. There are different coping styles that infants use, and understanding
your coping–or attachment–style may shed some insight into your current
relationships.
There are four basic attachment styles, and you probably adopted one of them as a
child:
Secure Attachment–Your caregiver separated from you, causing you
distress. But when she returned, you welcomed her warmly.
Anxious-resistent Attachment–When your caregiver separated, you were
anxious and upset. When she returned, you remained anxious.
Avoidant Attachment–You didn’t seem to mind much when your caregiver
separated from you, and you were not affected much by her return.
Disorganized Attachment–You may have had some trauma that made you
seem receptive to your caregiver’s return, and then opposed to her return.
Your response could have even been violent.Chances are, your attachment style is secure, since that is most children’s style.
The other three are insecure styles.
Your Attachment Style Affects Adult Relationships
Studies show there seems to be some association between your childhood
attachment style and your adult style, although it’s not ironclad. It’s interesting that
adult labels for attachment styles are similar to those of childhood:
Secure–adults who feel secure in their relationships and have no problems
depending on others when needed.
Anxious-preoccupied–these are adults who exhibit low avoidance while
struggling with anxiety much of the time. If you are anxious about your
relationship with people who are close to you, this may be your attachment
style.
Dismissing-avoidant–these adults demonstrate high avoidance without
experiencing too much anxiety. If you are anxious about your relationship
with people, and in fact, you avoid being close to people, this may be your
style.
Fearful-avoidant–adults who suffer from high anxiety and high avoidance.
If this is your style, you want to have close relationships, but are inhibited by
fear of rejection, and this could indicate a borderline personality disorder.If you can identify what kind of attachment experience you had as a child, you may
be able to correlate the type of adult style that fits your personality and therefore,
gain a better understanding of your behaviors and how they affect your
relationships. If you have a secure attachment style, you are more likely to enjoy
stable relationships, and that includes sexual satisfaction. If you have an insecure
style, you may engage in behavior that isn’t healthy, like harmful sex or sneaking a
look at your partner’s phone messages, for example. By understanding your
attachment style, you can begin to heal and work for a healthier chance at good
relationships.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective
counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: