When you first met your partner, you couldn’t get enough of him. Your thoughts were often invaded by visions of him. You’d replay special moments with him that made you smile. You’d rush to get home after work just to be in his presence. You’d conjure up ways just to be with him. And now, after lots of time spent together, things are less intense.
Does it feel like the bloom is off the rose? One culprit could be your phone. Checking it obsessively, or even moderately, can be a habit you’ve developed. And if you’ve developed it, you can also break it. Why should you? Because time spent on your phone is time spent away from your partner. Of course you need to use your phone; it’s an important tool for the times in which we live. But using it too much when unnecessary can be detrimental to your relationship.
So why do you do it?
If you want to break a bad habit, it is first useful to understand why you choose to spend so much time on your phone. Any one or a combination of possible reasons are below. Do you see yourself in one of these?
- You want alone time. You are pulled and pushed in all directions at work. When you get home, you’re emotionally and physically exhausted, but you get dinner on the table for your family, help the kids with their homework, give them a bath and read them a bedtime story. At last, you can let out a sigh of relief. Your mandatory jobs are done for the day. You just want some mindless scrolling on your phone, perhaps a little positive feedback from your social media post. You really don’t have the energy to lavish attention on your spouse.
This would be okay if it happened sporadically, but if it becomes a habit, it’s time to reassess how you spend your time. Perhaps your spouse could help more around the house to free you up. Perhaps you and your partner could take turns doing something for each other. It doesn’t have to be big. Maybe you bring him a cup of hot chocolate or rub his back. The key is to stay connected to your partner rather than letting the phone take over.
- You feel a need for self-defense. Whether you or your partner started it first, it really doesn’t matter. You find your partner on his phone a lot, and you resent it. When he pulls away, you, too, spend more time than necessary online. It’s a self-defense mechanism. Pretty soon the distance between you seem to expand until you feel far away from your partner.
When you feel a distance between you, talk about it. Tell him you miss him. Let your curiosity guide you to ask how he feels without being judgmental or accusing. Ask him what’s going on with him. Ask him how he’s feeling. Ask him what you can do to bring you two together again. Ask how you can find a solution together.
- You let your past define your present. When you were growing up, the only way to escape your reality was to immerse yourself in TV. Now, when you’re feeling alone or bad, you can avoid how you feel by enjoying a video. Instead of pulling away from your partner, share how you feel. If it’s too hard to do face-to-face, try keeping a journal every time you escape into your phone.
Why do you resort to your phone when you have a partner nearby? Maybe it has to do with attachment issues stemming from your childhood. Take note of how you feel, and know you deserve better now. The days when children should be seen and not heard are over. You need to be heard and supported now, and your spouse is there to hear you.
Sometimes you pull away from your partner and vice versa, and you need a third party to help you find your way back to each other. If your spouse isn’t there to hear you, perhaps you should find a therapist who can guide you to connect. Make sure it’s a therapist that works well for both of you.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
