When Negative Reactions Take Over

Over time, relationships evolve and change. Resentments can build up, sometimes unbeknownst to one partner or the other. For example, maybe early in your relationship, still unsure of your partner’s boundaries and desires, you let slip something personal to a friend that he wished you’d kept private. Maybe he said something to you about it, or maybe he let it slide. And then suddenly, when you mention you ran into one of his friends at the coffee shop, and he lashes out and accuses you of betrayal.

 

Whoa. You wonder what you said or did wrong. You feel like what you said was totally innocuous, and his response was way out in left field. But he sees you through a filter he’s developed from past experiences. Meanwhile, you worry about saying much of anything to him for fear it will elicit a negative response. He’s upset for some reason but talking it out doesn’t seem to provide clarity. Finally, you focus on other things, and your relationship weakens.

 

It’s possible that he tried to tell you on more than one occasion. He considered the information you revealed to friends to be private. Maybe you brushed him off, thinking it wasn’t important. After all, you’re an open, affable person and you find sharing with friends a comforting, positive thing. But over time, without being fully conscious of it, you may have betrayed his trust and now he is resentful and critical of you for just about everything you say. Pretty soon, conversation with each other becomes a painful exercise. He is bitter and you have no clue why. No wonder you find it easier not to communicate at all.

Marriage Counseiling, Couples Therapy, Relationships

Negative Sentiment Override

 

Your partner is now firmly in the habit of interpreting everything you say in a negative way—negative sentiment override. It’s a difficult pattern to break. Here are some suggestions.

 

  • Really Listen to Your Partner. He’s emotionally hurt, so it’s incumbent on you to try to understand why. “You don’t pay attention to my family.” Or, “You didn’t defend me to my brother.” Or, “You left me on my own when I needed you.” Or, as in our example, “You told private information about me to my friends.” Even if you feel his complaints aren’t valid, he is obviously injured. And that’s what really counts. You need to take his concerns seriously and talk with him until he feels his hurts are acknowledged. Then he can begin to heal.
  • Take Responsibility. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right. What matters is how you both feel. If he feels betrayed because you let something slip that you feel is insignificant, take responsibility for your part. It was obviously not insignificant to your partner, so honor his feelings. Hear his grievance and own up to the fact that you played a part in distressing him. Help heal him with your empathy.
  • Remove Yourself with a Time Out. His blaming you may make you feel angry in return. If that happens, you can be in a never-ending cycle of blame, anger, and recrimination. Nip it in the bud. Take a walk or go to another room until you feel calmer. But tell your partner what you’re up to before you storm out of the room, so he doesn’t feel deserted and even hurt further. Tell your partner you’re stressed and upset and need to take a break, but that you want to resolve the situation. Make a pact to resume talking at a time when you can both be rational and calm.

 

 

 

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact

 

 

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy exploring some of our other articles that dive deeper into the topics of relationships, communication, and emotional wellness. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your current connection, better understand co-dependency, or prepare for a healthy marriage, these related posts offer valuable insights and tools to support your journey. Take a look—you may find just what you need.

Related Posts

Choose Your Partner

A friend told me that every time her husband touches her arm with affection, which is every morning as they wake up, she is stunned that he loves her. No matter what stupid stuff she did the day before, no matter how permanently flawed her personality, he demonstrates that he loves her. Unconditionally. He cherishes her and he lets her know it, even though he merely touches her arm. It’s

Read More »

What and How ADHD Affects Relationships

What ADHD Is in a Relationship Context ADHD isn’t just about distractibility or hyperactivity. It’s a neurological difference that affects: These issues don’t just show up at work or school — they show up at home, in arguments, in missed cues, and in emotional connections. 💥 How ADHD Affects Relationships 1. Forgetfulness & Disorganization 2. Inattention & Distractibility 3. Impulsivity 4. Hyperfocus (Ironically!) 5. Emotional Dysregulation 6. Uneven Responsibility ❤️

Read More »

Rumination vs Reflection In Relationships

Ah, going even deeper — I love it.When it comes to relationships, the difference between rumination and reflection becomes even more personal and powerful. Here’s the breakdown: 💔 Rumination in Relationships (Emotional Looping) Result:→ Builds emotional walls.→ Increases insecurity, distance, and mistrust.→ Prevents healing or meaningful change. ❤️ Reflection in Relationships (Healing and Growing) Result:→ Builds emotional insight and compassion.→ Deepens connection and understanding.→ Leads to healthier behaviors and growth.

Read More »
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING SERVICES

Find The Counseling Service That Is Right For You

At Nancy’s Counseling Corner, we’re here to support every stage of your relationship journey. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your marriage, preparing for lifelong commitment through premarital counseling, or working through the emotions of separation and divorce, our services are designed with care, compassion, and expertise. We specialize in Marriage Counseling, Relationship Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Divorce Counseling, Co-dependency Counseling—and so much more. No matter where you are, healing and growth are possible. Let’s take that next step—together.

Marriage & Couples Counseling

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires hard work, love, care, and understanding the needs of other people.

Relationship Counseling

Can help you find–and keep–the love of your life. Relationships are challenging and require an extensive amount of patience.

Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling is an emotional and strenuous thought for those seeking to solve marital problems.

Depression Counseling

Depression is a mental disorder characterized by at least 10-14 days of noticeable or recognizable low mood.

Co-dependency

“Codependency” is a term we hear thrown around a lot these days, though many of us aren’t sure exactly what it means.

Premarital Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Anxiety Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Meditation

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Hypnosis

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.