Types of Criticism: Expressing Concern or Complaint without Harm Learn how to identify the first of the four horsemen

The “Four Horsemen” of relationship communication, identified by psychologist John Gottman, are patterns that can lead to conflict and disconnection. The first horseman is criticism, which differs from a healthy complaint or constructive feedback. Let’s explore the characteristics of criticism and how to express concerns without harm.

Understanding Criticism

Criticism focuses on attacking a person’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. It often uses phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” and can leave the recipient feeling attacked, defensive, or resentful.

Examples of Criticism:

• “You’re so selfish. You never think about anyone else.”
• “You always leave a mess for me to clean up. Why can’t you ever help?”

Distinguishing Criticism from a Complaint

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or action without assigning blame or attacking the person. It communicates a concern while leaving room for dialogue and resolution.

Examples of a Complaint:

• Criticism: “You never help with the dishes. You’re so lazy.”
• Complaint: “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do the dishes alone. Could you help more often?”

Tips for Expressing Concerns Constructively

1. Use “I” Statements
   Focus on your feelings and needs instead of blaming the other person.
   • Example: “I feel frustrated when…”
2. Address Specific Behaviors
   Be clear about the action or situation, not the person’s character.
   • Example: “It would mean a lot if you put your clothes in the laundry basket.”
3. Avoid Absolutes
   Words like “always” or “never” can escalate conflict. Instead, describe the situation accurately.
   • Example: “Sometimes when you don’t text back, I feel ignored.”
4. Be Polite and Respectful
   Tone matters. A calm, respectful approach invites cooperation.

Antidote to Criticism

The antidote to criticism is expressing a gentle startup—bringing up issues softly and with kindness. A gentle startup sets a positive tone and helps both parties feel heard and respected.

Gentle Startup Formula:

1. Start with a positive or neutral observation.
2. State how you feel.
3. Make a specific request.

Example:
“I really appreciate all you do around the house. I’ve been feeling a little stressed about the dishes piling up. Could we come up with a plan to share that task?”

By replacing criticism with gentle, constructive communication, you foster a more supportive and understanding relationship environment.