We all know that forgiveness is good for the soul. It frees us from the bitterness and anger that accompany us throughout our days and dog us with sleepless nights. We all know there are often times when it’s hard to forgive. That’s when we need to remember that forgiveness is actually a gift to ourselves, and the best gift of all is being able to forgive the most difficult person of all—ourselves.
Why is it so hard to practice self-forgiveness?
- The past is a part of us. It defines us. It is an integral part of who we are. Sometime in the past we’ve done something we’re ashamed of, something we feel is so terrible we just can’t get over it. And the terrible thing becomes part of us. To forgive ourselves means giving up a part of who we are, and that’s hard to do, even if that part is a negative thing.
To release that negative part, give yourself at least as much compassion as you’d give a good friend. You would have never done that terrible thing if you’ve known what consternation it would cause you and others. You would have never done that terrible thing if you’d known how much it would hurt someone else. You would have never done that terrible thing if you’d understood how you would come to regret it.
- Guilt is a strong emotion. If we’ve injured someone else mentally or physically, we feel guilty, and that is an emotion that is difficult to expel. We can’t stop beating ourselves up because we are so tethered to our guilt. It becomes part of our life story. We cling to our beliefs even when they are negative, for example, “I’m always lacking empathy.” So, we punish ourselves for making a mistake because we weren’t empathetic enough. We need to release that part of our life story and let it go.
- Admitting our vulnerability is scary. When we make mistakes our first impulse is to cover it up or minimize it or somehow diminish it. Because no one likes to make mistakes. Too many mistakes threaten our existence and thus we feel vulnerable. To forgive ourselves we first have to admit that we’ve done something wrong. Only when we take ownership of our failures can we begin to forgive ourselves and move on. It is how we learn to live better lives and grow into the human beings we wish to become.
- We must first love ourselves. It’s much easier to forgive someone you love or really care about. If they’ve done something to you, you may find it a one-time event. You may make excuses for your friend. You may let them off the hook because you know they’re basically good, and you love them. It’s harder to let your own self off the hook because you are more critical of yourself. You expect more from yourself. If someone you don’t like does something unforgiveable to you, you can excommunicate them from your life. But when you do something unforgivable you are stuck with yourself. When you learn to love yourself then you can also learn to forgive yourself.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact