When you’re locked in conflict, it’s tempting to throw away the key. After all, your partner
refuses to compromise, and you’ve been at odds with each other for a long time. It
seems like your quarrel will never be resolved. But don’t throw away the key just yet.
Happy couples quarrel just like you do, but the difference is, they find their way back to
each other. If you are perpetually unhappy, chances are you have lost your connection
and you feel resentful and distant from your partner. You don’t know how to get back,
and you think it might not be possible. It isn’t always easy but it’s always worth a try,
even if you don’t think so at the moment. After all, you did want to marry this person at
one point. Remember how you felt back then and put yourself in a mindset of recovery.
Here are some suggestions:
Stop playing the blame game. It does nobody any good. You think he doesn’t care
about you and he thinks you don’t care about him. Mutual blame is a dead-end cycle
that keeps spiraling you apart. He attacks you and you attack him back. This behavior
can be momentarily satisfying, but think about the long-term. Do you want to go on and
on this way?
Maybe you feel dispirited by his perpetual put-downs. You’re so used to being criticized
that you anticipate being made to feel bad. In fact, you expect to be put-down before he
even says a word. The blame game is exhausting. Now it becomes a dance of attack
and withdrawal.
Stop dancing the deadly dance. Even if you are fully cognizant of the fact that your
fundamental human need for connection is being thwarted, and even if you know in your
heart that your fear of rejection is on red alert, you can’t seem to stop. Longing for
connection and fear of rejection are universal needs and wired into your brain.
But the more he criticizes you, the higher you build your wall. And the more you
withdraw, the angrier he gets and the more he provokes you. When you hear the anger
in his voice, you realize you can’t please him, and you become even more silent and defensive. You feel hopeless, and he does, too. It’s a deadly dance and it doesn’t end
with reconciliation unless you do something about it.
Start choreographing a new dance. When you both feel hopeless about your
relationship, it’s time to take stock, perhaps with the help of a qualified professional. It’s
difficult to become unstuck when you’re at loggerheads, but you can do it. You are not
built to accept the kind of isolation you’re experiencing in your relationship. Instead, you
are a human being who needs love and connection. When you understand what your
needs are, and when you know what kind of dance you’ve been doing, you are taking
the first step in a more joyful dance. The time to start the music is now.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective
counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: