One of the most difficult emotions to deal with in couples therapy is contempt. Feelings of superiority, self-righteousness, and a lack of empathy can quickly escalate conflict and lead to gridlock. It can be expressed as sarcasm, put-downs, sneering, eye-rolling, and, of course, swearing, name-calling, and yelling.
If you suspect that contempt is an issue in a couple’s relationship, there are a few things you can do to help them manage it. First, help them to understand how destructive contempt is in their relationship. Provide a little bit of psychoeducation along the lines of “Gottman demonstrated in seven different studies that he could predict with 93% accuracy which couples would be separated within three years just based on the amount of contempt present during a 10-minute conflict conversation.”
Dealing with contemptuous feelings can be difficult, but it’s important to remember that contempt is often a cover for other emotions such as fear, insecurity, and vulnerability. When dealing with contempt in therapy, it’s important to explore the underlying emotions that are driving the contemptuous behaviours. Often, addressing these underlying emotions can help resolve the issue at hand.
Gottman originally said the antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation. This still holds true, however, it takes time to do that so in a therapeutic moment the antidote is to help the contemptuous partner to talk about their feelings and needs. Sometimes that might mean taking a little time to explore their internal working model about the situation that has triggered the contempt and identifying the early attachment injury that still drives the emotional response they experience.
It’s also important to remember that contempt is a learned behaviour. This means that it can be unlearned and replaced with more constructive behaviours. In couples therapy, we work with couples to help them identify the patterns of contemptuous behaviour and replace them with more positive patterns of communication.
Contempt can also be addictive. The rush of feeling superior to one’s partner can be intoxicating, but it ultimately leads to further disconnection and distance. In couples therapy, we help couples understand the damaging effects of contempt and work together to find ways to overcome it.
Therefore, when you observe contempt in your couple’s communication. Intervene every time(!) and help the speaker to understand the detrimental impact of that style of communication; work with them to understand their underlying more vulnerable feelings that are driving the contempt and then teach them how to communicate their feelings and needs in a gentler, more collaborative way. This is the immediate antidote to the destructiveness of contempt.
In the longer term it’s important to help the couple find ways to show appreciation for each other. Building a culture of appreciation within the relationship is a great way to build loyalty and care for each other and to eliminate contempt.
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