How to Kill a Relationship: Criticism

Being critical of your partner is a sure way to kill your relationship. Yet, what are you supposed to do? Smother your concerns? Not speak fully and truthfully to your partner lest your criticism damage your relationship?

 

Of course, it’s important to communicate with your partner, even when you have a concern, or maybe especially when you have a concern. But there are ways to express your opinion without being critical. The trouble is, sometimes you don’t even recognize that you’re being critical. Here are some common things to watch for:

Marriage Counseling, Realtionship Therapy, Couples

Joking but Not Really

 

“Jared would rather get a root canal than carry his socks a foot further to the hamper,” said Jared’s wife, Cynthia, at a party. Ha, ha, pretty funny. Jared’s wife is pretending to be funny and playful when she’s really being passive aggressive. And super critical. In one sentence she’s saying he’s lazy AND he’s a slob. She’s doing it under the cover of humor because she’s a coward to talk to him honestly and directly. And worst of all, she’s talking to friends about him in front of his face. So, Jared feels humiliated, embarrassed, and hurt, and unlikely to pick up his socks anytime soon.

 

“Always” and “Never”

 

When Cynthia says, “I always have to pick up after Jared,” she really means that she has to pick up after him more often than she’d like. But she uses words like “always,” “constantly,” or “never,” to express how frustrated she is that Jared’s messy. She’s exaggerating to make a point. But when Jared hears this, he hears that he is so flawed and wrong that he’s a worthless person. And instead of picking up his socks, he takes a defensive posture, possibly fighting back with a countercriticism for Cynthia.

 

Criticizing Without Saying a Word

 

The classic example of this is to reload the dishwasher in front of your partner so he can see you rearranging the plates in the “right” way. In Cynthia’s case, she walks over to the socks, picks them up with a sign, drops them dramatically into the hamper, and rolls her eyes. This will only serve to irritate Jared, and may even make him dig in his heels, vowing to never pick up his socks again.

 

Should and Shouldn’t

 

Cynthia uses the word “should” a lot when talking to Jared. As in, “You should be more respectful of me, when all I ask is a tidy house.” Or, “You should know it makes me crazy that you can’t put your socks in the hamper.” Or worst of all, “You shouldn’t be such a lazy slob.” When Cynthia uses the words “should” and “shouldn’t,” she is shaming Jared, but she’s not getting the desired effect, which is to get Jared to pick up his clothes. All it really does it make Jared feel there’s something wrong with him because Cynthia knows everything and he, apparently, knows nothing.

 

The Cure

 

If Cynthia could shift her perspective from what she doesn’t like about Jared to what she is feeling herself, she’ll be much more successful. She needs to communicate with Jared from a position of vulnerability instead of a position of superiority. She can do that by saying how frustrated she feels and how she needs Jared to help her keep the house tidy. When Cynthia talks to Jared as a partner and not an adversary, she gets a better response because Jared is not put on the defensive. That’s when he’s most liable to hear Cynthia’s concern.

 

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact

 

 

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy exploring some of our other articles that dive deeper into the topics of relationships, communication, and emotional wellness. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your current connection, better understand co-dependency, or prepare for a healthy marriage, these related posts offer valuable insights and tools to support your journey. Take a look—you may find just what you need.

Related Posts

Is She/He Right for You?

In the rush of a new relationship, you stay up all night talking. You can’t stop thinking about him. And every minute you’re away from him seems to drag in slow motion. You’re in the first stage of love, and your hormones are racing. You can’t think straight. Because you are human, there’s no getting around your physical reaction. You are designed to bond, and in so doing, your body

Read More »

Gaslighting vs Respect

That’s a really important contrast to look at — gaslighting vs. respect in relationships — because they sit on totally opposite ends of the emotional health spectrum. 🔥 Gaslighting (Disrespect in Disguise) Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where one person makes the other doubt their reality, memory, or feelings. It often looks like: “That never happened; you’re just being dramatic.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.” Twisting facts to

Read More »

Where Is Your Soulmate?

Remember that great line from the movie, Jerry McGuire? The title character tells his girl, “You complete me”. Such a wonderful, romantic scene. And a wonderful, romantic notion: That your soul is only half there, and you travel the world until you meet the one person who completes the other half of you. Your soulmate. But that notion overlooks the truth. It takes time and energy to forge a healthy,

Read More »
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING SERVICES

Find The Counseling Service That Is Right For You

At Nancy’s Counseling Corner, we’re here to support every stage of your relationship journey. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your marriage, preparing for lifelong commitment through premarital counseling, or working through the emotions of separation and divorce, our services are designed with care, compassion, and expertise. We specialize in Marriage Counseling, Relationship Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Divorce Counseling, Co-dependency Counseling—and so much more. No matter where you are, healing and growth are possible. Let’s take that next step—together.

Marriage & Couples Counseling

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires hard work, love, care, and understanding the needs of other people.

Relationship Counseling

Can help you find–and keep–the love of your life. Relationships are challenging and require an extensive amount of patience.

Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling is an emotional and strenuous thought for those seeking to solve marital problems.

Depression Counseling

Depression is a mental disorder characterized by at least 10-14 days of noticeable or recognizable low mood.

Co-dependency

“Codependency” is a term we hear thrown around a lot these days, though many of us aren’t sure exactly what it means.

Premarital Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Anxiety Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Meditation

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Hypnosis

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.