Making love is an integral part of a great relationship. Sure, there are exceptions, but sex is often underrated as a critical ingredient in a loving partnership. Couples with true sexual intimacy are often happy couples. But many find sexual intimacy elusive. That’s because it often entails developing emotional and sexual intelligence with a vocabulary that allows partners to talk about sex. Communicate what they need for good sex. Even plan in advance for sex.
People want good sex, but talking about it is often an anathema. Planning for it seems cold and mechanical. Yet talking and planning can help you improve your sex life. Good sex brings you a closeness and connection to your relationship. Good sex can be a welcome escape from everyday life and a pleasure in which you can indulge for free, like the best things in life.
Start with the Basics.
If your sex life has lost its luster, maybe your friendship has, too. You need to at least like your partner to like your love-making. So, what can you do to burnish your friendship? The basics apply here. Tell him what you appreciate about him. Catch him doing something good and let him know you’re grateful. Notice what you admire and communicate it. Be intentional about improving your friendship. It’s a start.
Increase Your Sexual I.Q.
Being aware of your body and what you like and don’t like is a first step in sexual pleasure. Know thyself and be in the moment. Pay attention to what fosters sexual pleasure and what inhibits it. There is usually a combination of factors—things that heighten your arousal and things that dampen it. Everyone has a different combination of factors. When you know what yours are, find out your partner’s. This can only be done by talking to one another—something most people would rather not do. But once you get over the initial awkwardness, it’s worth it.
Communicate what you each want out of sex and what you like about it. Sometimes you may be in direct conflict with your partner. Hank finds sex relaxes him when he’s stressed, while Anne finds sex exacerbates her stress and overwhelms her. But merely knowing this about each other can help them. For example, when Anne finds herself stressed, Hank can listen to her concerns, thus relieving her stress. And the fact that they understand each other and are coming to one another’s aid is an intimate connection that enhances sexual pleasure.
Plan Ahead for Pleasure.
Put on some music that you both enjoy. Turn off all other electronic devices. Light some candles to set the mood. Create an environment that’s conducive to intimacy for you both. Plan for your experience together. Maybe exchange massages. Maybe toast each other with champagne. Maybe wear some erotic clothing. Whatever will put you both in the mood.
All this requires a little advanced planning, which may seem a bit too much like work. Sometimes people expect that only spontaneous sex can be good sex. But the fact is, in your busy lives, putting a sex date on the calendar might be the sexiest thing you can do. Anticipation can be sexy. Thinking about sex can be sexy. After all, the most powerful sex organ is the brain.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
