Do you often find yourself at loggerheads with your partner? Are you frequently frustrated when neither of you will budge? Are you both intractable and never the twain shall meet?
Then it’s time to take a look at how you got this way. Because it will be difficult for you and your partner to have a successful relationship unless you find the root cause for your standoffs. Usually, it involves entrenched belief systems that block your growth together as a couple.
Ask yourself if you think your partner should know what you want and need without asking. And when he doesn’t, you feel hurt or mad or disappointed. But the fact is, no one is a mind reader, and your partner will not be able to divine what you desire. You might think that if he really loved you, he’d give you what you need and that you shouldn’t need to ask. But you must communicate and share your thoughts. That’s how you become intimate enough to be in sync with your partner. And while you might sometimes know what’s on one another’s mind, don’t expect him to be clairvoyant.
Ask yourself if you think your partner should forsake all others to make you the center of her universe. That she should not need friends or family because you should be all she needs. But if you feel this way, ask yourself some more questions: Why do you need to have such singular devotion? Are you jealous of her other relationships? Are you trying to control her? If you answer yes to any of these questions, it’s time for some personal reflection. Because if isolating your partner from others is a strongly held belief of yours, you may find it difficult to have a healthy relationship. Even when you’re number one in her life, she still needs her friends and family. You both do.
Ask yourself if you think your partner really loved you then he’d change for you. If he really loved you he’d change his personality, or his values, or his core beliefs to suit your needs. But the fact is, you got together with him because you loved him for the way he is. His personality and beliefs are not easily changed, nor should they be. Think about why you have a need to change him. You knew who he was when you got together. Instead of trying to change the way he is, why not try to change the way you think about this issue? Why not try to be tolerant of your partner as he is? The only person your can change successfully is yourself.
Ask yourself if you’ve given up on your relationship. Have you gotten to the point where you’ve done what you can and now it’s your partner’s turn to make things work? It may feel like you’ve given all you can but think again. Dig a little deeper. Keep trying if you feel your relationship is worth saving. Because if you want a healthy relationship, you need to keep striving for it. If you sit back and do nothing, then you send an important signal to your partner, and it’s not a good one. But when you give more than 50 percent, you may inspire your partner to do the same. When you both give more than 50 percent, you may meet in the middle.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact
