Do You Speak Your Lover’s Language?

The language of love comes in many dialects. The trick is to learn to speak your partner’s dialect, or at least to understand it. And if possible, to appreciate it.

The trouble comes when you expect your beloved to speak your language. For example, Sally is a Gifter. Sally loves to shop and as she peruses merchandise, various items remind her of her friend and her lover. She’s thinking of them throughout the year—not just at the holidays or on their birthdays—and she picks up items for them as she shops. Sally shows her love by giving gifts that reveal her thoughtfulness. She gave a special bottle of vinegar to her friend Lily because Lily had said she wanted to make better salads. It was a simple thing, but that bottle of vinegar was a symbol of Sally’s love for her friend.

Unfortunately, Sally’s friend and her lover are not Gifters. They love her and appreciate her thoughtful presents, but Gifting is not their language.

Sally’s lover speaks the language of Touch. He will tuck a blanket around her while she watches TV on a cold night. He will give her a shoulder rub while she works on her computer. He will gently caress her arm as he passes her in the hall. He shows his love through Touch, and Sally appreciates these gestures. But deep down she thinks if he really loved her, he’d give her gifts beyond those required for birthdays and holidays.

What Sally doesn’t understand is her partner does love her and shows her often in his own language of Touch, just as she shows him love in her Gifting.

Gifting is not Sally’s friend’s language either. Lily is secretly annoyed by Sally’s Gifting because Lily can’t possibly keep up. Lily does love Sally, but unlike Sally, Lily hates to shop. And she feels hopelessly behind when it comes to gift giving. Lily speaks a Verbal language of love. She writes Sally thank-you notes for all those gifts. She texts lines from a poem she knows Sally will like. She tells Sally how much she values their friendship. She loves Sally but she just doesn’t show it the same way Sally does.

Lily’s partner speaks yet another dialect. He is a Doer. Next to verbal Lily, he seems positively mute. But Lily never gets in her car when the tank isn’t full enough to get her where she needs to go that day. Her partner makes sure he keeps the tank full. And he keeps the garbage empty. The recycling, too. And the weeds in Lily’s garden seem to magically disappear because Lily’s partner quietly sees how he can help her and then does what’s needed. Lily wishes he’d tell her he loves her out loud, but that is what he’s telling her with his actions.

The trick is to recognize the different dialects of the language of love.

 

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact

 

 

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy exploring some of our other articles that dive deeper into the topics of relationships, communication, and emotional wellness. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your current connection, better understand co-dependency, or prepare for a healthy marriage, these related posts offer valuable insights and tools to support your journey. Take a look—you may find just what you need.

Related Posts

Uncategorized
Nancy Travers

The Trifecta of Tortured Relationships: Why You Feel So Alone Together

The Trifecta of Tortured Relationships: Why You Feel So Alone Together When couples first come together, it feels like magic. You feel emotionally safe. Supported. Loved. Your partner is the one person you can count on in times of trouble and triumph—a true safe harbor. But over time, that connection can erode. You may feel alone even when you’re together. You might start to wonder: When trust breaks down, emotional

Read More »

Choose Your Partner

A friend told me that every time her husband touches her arm with affection, which is every morning as they wake up, she is stunned that he loves her. No matter what stupid stuff she did the day before, no matter how permanently flawed her personality, he demonstrates that he loves her. Unconditionally. He cherishes her and he lets her know it, even though he merely touches her arm. It’s

Read More »

What and How ADHD Affects Relationships

What ADHD Is in a Relationship Context ADHD isn’t just about distractibility or hyperactivity. It’s a neurological difference that affects: These issues don’t just show up at work or school — they show up at home, in arguments, in missed cues, and in emotional connections. 💥 How ADHD Affects Relationships 1. Forgetfulness & Disorganization 2. Inattention & Distractibility 3. Impulsivity 4. Hyperfocus (Ironically!) 5. Emotional Dysregulation 6. Uneven Responsibility ❤️

Read More »
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING SERVICES

Find The Counseling Service That Is Right For You

At Nancy’s Counseling Corner, we’re here to support every stage of your relationship journey. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your marriage, preparing for lifelong commitment through premarital counseling, or working through the emotions of separation and divorce, our services are designed with care, compassion, and expertise. We specialize in Marriage Counseling, Relationship Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Divorce Counseling, Co-dependency Counseling—and so much more. No matter where you are, healing and growth are possible. Let’s take that next step—together.

Marriage & Couples Counseling

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires hard work, love, care, and understanding the needs of other people.

Relationship Counseling

Can help you find–and keep–the love of your life. Relationships are challenging and require an extensive amount of patience.

Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling is an emotional and strenuous thought for those seeking to solve marital problems.

Depression Counseling

Depression is a mental disorder characterized by at least 10-14 days of noticeable or recognizable low mood.

Co-dependency

“Codependency” is a term we hear thrown around a lot these days, though many of us aren’t sure exactly what it means.

Premarital Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Anxiety Counseling

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Meditation

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.

Hypnosis

Offers Premarital Counseling to couples in the Orange County area that are considering to get married or are already engaged.