Stand up for yourself. We all know people who do not need this advice. They are more than capable of seeing to it that they come first. And they routinely do so without much thought to the rest of us. But most of us, especially those who are people pleasers, need to remember that there are times when it’s important for us to advocate for ourselves.
I have a friend who went to the doctor when she had a severe pain in her gut. Her doc said it was just gas and prescribed an over-the-counter remedy, even though she insisted it felt like something else. Still, she thought the doc would know better than she, so she went home. But when the pain intensified, she went to the emergency room and was admitted for immediate surgery that saved her life. She was a wife and mother, used to sublimating her own needs to her family. She would fiercely stand up for all of them, but she was unused to standing up for herself. It almost cost her her life.
When it comes to health care, women can feel that their experiences are being disregarded. If this happens enough, it can make them feel they are crazy, that they’re not actually feeling what they’re feeling. It’s important to dig down and stay strong to persist in getting what you need. You can muster support from friends or fellow sufferers to help you and connect you with the information and resources you need to fight for your health.
Learn to Be Assertive
Many of us—especially women—are hesitant to be assertive for fear it will be perceived as aggressive, a presumably unattractive trait in a woman. But while being assertive might not always result in something as dramatic as a life-saving operation, it can be the best thing for our well-being. Knowing when and how to be assertive is an important aspect of emotional intelligence.
The truth is, it’s a balancing act. On one hand, you want to stand up for yourself and on the other hand, you want to respect the feelings of other people. You need to find that sweet spot of respecting yourself without pushing other people around. It’s the art of being fair to yourself and at the same time, being fair to others.
When You’re at Work . . .
Let’s face it. It’s a lot easier to be assertive with co-workers than your boss, but even then, it’s difficult for those who are conflict averse. With a fellow equal, you can hold your ground with confidence because you’re operating from a similar position. To be fair, you can’t just steamroll the other person. You should hear his side of the story. Maybe he needs you to do a task because it’s clearly in your wheelhouse. Or maybe he needs you to do a task because he’s swamped and has been for weeks.
But maybe you can’t honor his request. You can’t stay late because it’s your son’s birthday and you have 20 eight-year-olds coming to your house. You have to politely decline and perhaps help your colleague find a solution before you rush off to pick up the birthday cake.
It’s a lot trickier asserting yourself with your boss because she has more power than you. It’s certainly a good idea to be deferential in acknowledging that fact. You can say things like, “Of course, it’s your call. I’d just like you to have some information from my point of view before you make a final decision.” The trick is to avoid seeming like you’re challenging your boss’s authority while still making your point.
It’s helpful to use the “I” language in conflict situations. For example, “I feel like I’m stretched to the limit, and I can’t really take on any more tasks. Maybe we can find someone else to do it.” You’re being assertive while attempting to be helpful. This is usually more effective than “you” statements, as in, “You always ask me to do your work for you.” That kind of response will likely make the situation worse.
When You’re in a Relationship . . .
In every relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries. It’s about taking care of your own needs while respecting your partner’s or friend’s needs. It’s balancing your relationship between being submissive and controlling. How do you achieve that?
- Maintain open and honest communication, always a good idea.
- Really listen to the other person—actively listen and consider their point of view.
- Understand that what you bring to the relationship is important, and therefore you can be confident in being assertive.
- Remember that you cannot control other people, only yourself.
- Be respectful and calm for the best results.
When you are assertive about maintaining boundaries, it’s empowering, and it results in a healthier, happier relationship. And that’s good for your well-being as well as your partner or friend.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
