If you are overly, inappropriately, involved in someone else’s personal life, you are enmeshed. Often, this happens between parents and children. I have a friend who texts her grown children dozens of times a day, every day. She knows minute details of her kids’ thoughts and activities. They share their feelings with her and she shares with them. One wonders how they have time to do anything other than text.
You may think, “Isn’t that nice that they have close relationships?” And it is nice to have close relationships, but not when her children cannot develop independent, healthy identities on their own. It’s not nice when there are no boundaries. It’s not nice when her children’s emotional well-being is negatively affected.
How Close Is Too Close?
Parent-child relationships are not the only relationships that can suffer from enmeshment. Friendships or romantic relationships can be affected, too. Maybe your partner expects you to spend unfair amounts of time with him. Or demands loyalty above and beyond the call of duty. Maybe your friend resents time you spend with other people. Or perhaps expects a transactional quid pro quo and will only do something for you if you do something for him. If you are entangled in each other’s lives to the point where you lose your independence, then you may be suffering from enmeshment.
Relationships without boundaries are bad for both sides. Children who grow up in enmeshed homes often act out with temper tantrums or other hostile behavior. They also operate under high stress and can be moody and unhappy. They sometimes suffer from eating disorders or depression and anxiety. Parents are often unhappy, too.
How Do You Create Healthy Boundaries?
- Learn to say no. This is particularly difficult for people pleasers, but it’s important. It helps you set boundaries. If someone expects you to text them immediately and often throughout the day, tell them you are going to put your phone away during certain time periods and cannot respond during those times. When other people set boundaries with you, respect their requests.
- Clearly communicate your expectations. Be as specific as you can be. Tell your needy sibling that you cannot respond to emails after a certain time at night or before a certain time in the morning. Or that you can’t be expected to drop everything to do their bidding. It’s your life. Make your own rules.
- Realize it’s not your responsibility to make other people happy. Sure, you want your friends and family to be happy, but it’s not your job, 24/7, to try and please others.
- Practice self-care. When you learn to set boundaries and stick to your guns, your family and friends may be put-off at first. But when you take care of your own mental health, you will be better able to be a good friend, spouse, child, or parent. So, it’s in everyone’s interest that you set and obey boundaries.
When you establish clear boundaries and stick to them, you can begin to defeat enmeshment, and that’s good for all parties involved.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
