When you get married and make a life-long commitment to your partner, you dream of a future together. Seldom do you dream of bumps in the road. Instead, you dream of mutual support, of enduring companionship, of having someone by your side—on your side—on whom you can lavish love. And be loved in return.
You place all your confidence in this person, with whom you’ve been more intimate than perhaps anyone else ever in your life. You’ve shared vulnerabilities. You’ve laid yourself bare, exposed all your blemishes. You’ve done this because you trust this individual. You trust him with your life.
And then he has an affair.
Suddenly, your dreams crumble. Your life, as you imagined it, is gone. Your trust is shattered. You’ve been betrayed in the most fundamental way. What this amounts to is a death of your future, and you mourn it like you’d mourn the death of a loved one. You begin to go through the classic stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Denial
Of course, you don’t want to believe what your partner has done to you. You wouldn’t be with him if you thought he was capable of such gut-punching, nausea-inducing betrayal. Indeed, many people ignore all the obvious signs because they don’t want to believe it could happen to them. Even their friends suspect the truth, but they simply cannot fathom it. In the dark recesses of their brains, they know something is amiss, but lack the wherewithal to examine it. Because how could this be happening? It could not.
Anger
Eventually, reality can no longer be ignored and anger sets in. How dare he destroy the “us” that you both were together? What right did he have to annihilate your future? How many times did he deliberately deceive you, and how little regard must he have for you to lie to your face? He’s a lying, cheating bastard. He hurt you. And he had no right. But maybe you had something to do with this, too. Maybe you’re mad at yourself for overpowering him, making him feel small, not always listening or responding to him. Maybe you are angry with yourself, too.
Bargaining
Your world is out of control and upside down. You don’t know how to behave in this new and horrible hell that is reality. Your emotions are all over the place as you try to rewrite history. What if you had been more responsive? Sympathetic? What if you had done this or that differently? You begin to try to understand and rationalize what went wrong.
Depression
The full impact of your loss has hit you in this stage. You are feeling this hole in your life in a visceral way. The utter sadness of the situation sinks into your shoulders and your whole body feels the heaviness. You experience enervating despair, maybe the kind that keeps you in bed for days. You wonder if he loves you. Did he ever? And given this radical change in your relationship, do you love him? Intense emotion marks this stage, and in a way, it’s comforting to wallow in it for a while. But eventually, perhaps with help from a counselor, you move on.
Acceptance
It may take some time, but eventually the truth of the situation sinks in. Your relationship is forever changed. You begin to think about how to move forward. Maybe you begin to understand what went wrong. Maybe you can forgive and go on with your life together. You feel the stirrings of hope and think about how you both can repair your relationship. But maybe your relationship is just too broken for repair. Maybe you can’t forgive. Maybe you can only move on. Either way, you’ve accepted reality, and that in itself is a good thing.
(Note: to clarify, women are just as capable as having an affair as men, but for the sake of facility in this article, we refer to the partner who had an affair as “he.”)
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
