Remember that great line from the movie, Jerry McGuire? The title character tells his girl, “You complete me”. Such a wonderful, romantic scene. And a wonderful, romantic notion: That your soul is only half there, and you travel the world until you meet the one person who completes the other half of you. Your soulmate. But that notion overlooks the truth. It takes time and energy to forge a healthy, adult relationship.
Surely there are people with whom you feel a strong mutual attraction, and some of them make you wonder: “Is this my soulmate?” Often, the person asking this question has a long list of unrealistic attributes that his soulmate must have. And when the soulmate turns out to be human, with some failings of his own, we might think he wasn’t a soulmate after all. But, in fact, our soulmates have foibles, and when we discover them—usually after the steamy, exciting infatuation stage—we are sorely disappointed. “Oh no, the love of my life can be a jerk.”
Yes, he can be a jerk. We all can, because none of us is perfect. One day we discover that our beloved is not the romanticized version of the person that we originally had in our minds. That, in fact, the intensity has worn off and we no longer have trouble being away from this person we used to think was ideal. This can cause us to doubt that our partner really is our soulmate.
Soulmate or Business Partner?
Many couples discover that after a glorious infatuation period of months or years, they finally have to acknowledge reality. And that reality includes dirty dishes, poopy diapers, sleepless nights and an occasionally crabby partner. The daily grind of living—getting the kids off to school, managing the household, staying on top of finances, working late at the office—all take a toll on you, your partner, and your relationship. Pretty soon you are each doing your respective chores—often wishing you had a bit more help with them—while the infatuation with your partner fades. It seems like you are more in a business relationship than a romantic one.
The Bluebird of Happiness
There’s a wonderful children’s allegory. In the story, the kids keep looking for the bluebird of happiness and travel everywhere to find it. In the end, they discover it in their own backyard. The bluebird was there all along. And happiness is likely there with the partner you originally chose, right in your backyard. But you can only find it if you try. If you put in the effort to make your connection work well. If you invest time to reignite your relationship.
You may or may not consider your partner to be your soulmate, but your relationship can mature to the point where you are deeply connected. Maybe there’s someone else out there who may also be your soulmate. But maybe you could search the world over and never find anyone more suited to you that the partner you have now, right in your own backyard.
The trick is to realize that no outside being can magically make you happy. Instead of expecting your partner to complete you, determine how you can fill your own soul. Only you can do that within your own self. How can you make yourself happy and fulfilled? Once you answer that, then you can take the focus off yourself and ask how can you improve to be a good mate to your partner. The two of you are in this together. You meet the challenges and joys as a team. That is when you discover you have all the ingredients for happiness right where you are.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/com
