If you have trouble showing compassion, maybe you feel you have enough problems of your own and simply don’t have the bandwidth to take on anyone else’s. Or perhaps you feel that you’ll appear weak if you show concern for others. Your fear of showing compassion may even extend to yourself—you find it hard to forgive people, including yourself.
A new study shows that people who have trouble being empathetic also have trouble with intimate relationships. They are less likely to feel safe and soothed by a partner and, therefore feel more stressed and alone. When these people are apprehensive about getting close in a relationship, they exhibit an insecure attachment style, which affects their mental health.
Cultivating Compassion for Yourself First
When you travel by air, the flight attendant asks you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. That’s because you can’t possibly help others if you neglect to help yourself first. You have to be stable and healthy enough before you can attend to someone else. So, too, must you find compassion for yourself first. When you feel secure in your self-knowledge, then you can more readily show compassion to others.
But how to find that compassion? You can imagine scenarios in which you behave compassionately. Put yourself in imaginary situations where you feel concern for others and show them kindness. Then imagine how good it feels to be such a loving person—one who wants to mitigate the suffering of others. Some suggest reading fiction and understanding the characters’ feelings will help you develop more compassion. Once you practice feeling compassionate, you can begin to actually be more compassionate, with yourself and others.
When you understand empathy, you will feel more secure and less fearful of showing compassion. It is then that you will be in a position to address your insecure attachment style. Take a few moments each day to relax and imagine you’re in an empathetic frame of mind. When you do, you will find your relationships improve—with yourself and with others.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
