People come in and out of our lives. Not everyone is meant to be a bosom friend forever. And that’s okay. Sometimes a friendship serves its purpose and we hang on just because we find it hard to end it. Make new friends and keep the old, as they say. But the old don’t always deserve our undying loyalty.
As we mature, we learn that our life is what we make it. Our friends are people we choose to let in. And there will be times when it’s better for our well-being to choose to end a friendship. Friends change. You change. Part of being an adult is realizing when to let someone go.
Here are some signs that you should think about terminating a relationship:
You have a one-sided relationship. You’re the one who always invites her for a glass of wine after work. You’re the one who always buoys her up when she’s down, calls her when she needs it, remembers her birthday. You’re the one who is doing the heavy lifting in the relationship and she doesn’t make nearly the same effort with you. If she doesn’t reciprocate, why are you doing all the work? You deserve friends who treat you as well as you treat them.
You have a one-sided relationship. You’re the one who always invites her for a glass of wine after work. You’re the one who always buoys her up when she’s down, calls her when she needs it, remembers her birthday. You’re the one who is doing the heavy lifting in the relationship and she doesn’t make nearly the same effort with you. If she doesn’t reciprocate, why are you doing all the work? You deserve friends who treat you as well as you treat them.
The negative outweighs the positive. When you get together, does she bring you down more often than not? Or make you uncomfortable? Or provoke anxiety? Friends are people we have in our lives to help us enjoy ourselves. We only have so much free time. If we spend it with someone who makes us miserable more often than not, then we should think what we’re doing. It’s so easy to just go along out of habit. But if you consciously choose to be happy, you’ll want friends with whom you have more positive than negative experiences.
You’ve outgrown her. You continue to learn and grow emotionally and spiritually and you are changing for the better. You have actually left your friend behind without meaning to and perhaps without knowing it. But you may find yourself in a place where you have less and less in common. Your past together may have been fine, but if you’re not going forward together, then it’s time to consider moving on without her.
She’s always apologizing but never changes. She embarrasses you in public and later says she’s sorry. But she does it again and again. The apologies begin to ring hollow after awhile. How many times must you put up with this behavior? The answer is, whatever your threshold is. Obviously she can’t be trusted to treat you properly. She may have made a mistake once or twice. But don’t let it go on too long, because life is too short and she doesn’t deserve your friendship.
She’s just not that interesting. This may sound harsh, but you want your friends to enhance your life experience, and you want to enhance theirs. When your friend talks about nothing but herself or persists in superficial conversations, well, it’s boring. When she gossips or talks about others in a mean way, it’s not what you want to talk about. And what do you think she does when you’re not around? She probably talks about you, too.
She can’t be happy for you. When you share your troubles, your friend may be attentive and more than happy to help you. She may plunge into your problems with gusto because they make her feel problem-free and superior by comparison. But when you’ve got something great to share she has to fake being happy. Because she’s just not. She may even be jealous. But you can tell she’s not genuinely celebrating your good fortune and finds it hard to acknowledge your achievements.
You make choices to make your life the best it can be. Of course, if a friend betrays you, uses you, manipulates you or is in any way abusive, it’s time to sever the relationship. But sometimes things deteriorate slowly and you don’t notice it until your friendship is no longer working. Then it’s time to make a change and move forward with your life.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact.