What’s Your Attachment Style?

When you were a helpless infant, you bonded with your mother or caregiver to

ensure that you could survive. You depended on your caregiver to meet your

primary needs, and this is a key to your subsequent development. Your experience

as an infant shaped your future social, cognitive and emotional predisposition.

While attachment is universal as a coping mechanism for infants, it is not the same

for everyone. There are different coping styles that infants use, and understanding

your coping–or attachment–style may shed some insight into your current

relationships.

There are four basic attachment styles, and you probably adopted one of them as a

child:

Secure Attachment–Your caregiver separated from you, causing you

distress. But when she returned, you welcomed her warmly.

Anxious-resistent Attachment–When your caregiver separated, you were

anxious and upset. When she returned, you remained anxious.

Avoidant Attachment–You didn’t seem to mind much when your caregiver

separated from you, and you were not affected much by her return.

Disorganized Attachment–You may have had some trauma that made you

seem receptive to your caregiver’s return, and then opposed to her return.

Your response could have even been violent.Chances are, your attachment style is secure, since that is most children’s style.

The other three are insecure styles.

Your Attachment Style Affects Adult Relationships

Studies show there seems to be some association between your childhood

attachment style and your adult style, although it’s not ironclad. It’s interesting that

adult labels for attachment styles are similar to those of childhood:

Secure–adults who feel secure in their relationships and have no problems

depending on others when needed.

Anxious-preoccupied–these are adults who exhibit low avoidance while

struggling with anxiety much of the time. If you are anxious about your

relationship with people who are close to you, this may be your attachment

style.

Dismissing-avoidant–these adults demonstrate high avoidance without

experiencing too much anxiety. If you are anxious about your relationship

with people, and in fact, you avoid being close to people, this may be your

style.

Fearful-avoidant–adults who suffer from high anxiety and high avoidance.

If this is your style, you want to have close relationships, but are inhibited by

fear of rejection, and this could indicate a borderline personality disorder.If you can identify what kind of attachment experience you had as a child, you may

be able to correlate the type of adult style that fits your personality and therefore,

gain a better understanding of your behaviors and how they affect your

relationships. If you have a secure attachment style, you are more likely to enjoy

stable relationships, and that includes sexual satisfaction. If you have an insecure

style, you may engage in behavior that isn’t healthy, like harmful sex or sneaking a

look at your partner’s phone messages, for example. By understanding your

attachment style, you can begin to heal and work for a healthier chance at good

relationships.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective

counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here:

https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact