Sharing Sexual Fantasies

For many couples, sharing their sexual fantasies is an intimidating, scary, risky proposition. It requires an enormous amount of emotional and physical trust in your partner. There is a huge leap of faith involved in allowing another person to see a side of you most people have never seen. Exposing our deepest thoughts requires most of us to have developed great trust in our partner, and once we have determined that we are comfortable sharing these feelings, there are a few things we can do to prepare:

First, clarify why you want to share your fantasies with your partner in the first place.

• Is your current sex life unfulfilling? Do you want to use your fantasies to address issues in your sex life that you\’d like to change?
• Do you want to act your fantasies out? If not, be sure to make it completely clear to your partner.

Next, remember that although sharing your fantasies can help improve your sex life, it can also backfire. Consider if your partner can handle knowing this side of you. One study suggested that women are less distressed than men by their partners\’ fantasies. Then, decide if you can handle hearing theirs. Often, after hearing your fantasies, your partner will want to share, too. Remember-once things are said, they cannot be unsaid.

Choose the right time to share. Immediately following sex may not be a good choice. Better, may be before or during foreplay; it could actually improve things for both of you.

Another decision will be which fantasies to share. Be sensitive to your partners\’ feelings and sensibilities. A good way to start is with a milder, more conventional fantasy and as your comfort levels dictate, you can move on to more racy scenarios. For example, if your partner has strong feelings regarding monogamy, your fantasy involving anyone other than the two of you may not be a good idea to introduce right away.

After you\’ve thought about the consequences of sharing your fantasies, if you then decide to investigate further, you might want to:

• Suggest you and your partner both make lists of your fantasies that can be acted out and take turns doing so.
• Determine which fantasies satisfy you both and work with them.
• Jointly, think up some extreme sexual scenarios that you then decide to act out.
• Alternate divulging all of your turn-ons with your partner. This could lead to exciting experimenting in your lovemaking.

Go slow with the sharing. Keep in mind that your fantasy may not be what your partner had in mind. Discuss the idea of using fantasies to add to and improve your sex life. By working together on mutually satisfying modifications of your fantasies, they could turn out to be even better than you originally thought!