Reconnecting When You’re at Loggerheads

When you’re locked in conflict, it’s tempting to throw away the key. After all, your partner

refuses to compromise, and you’ve been at odds with each other for a long time. It

seems like your quarrel will never be resolved. But don’t throw away the key just yet.

Happy couples quarrel just like you do, but the difference is, they find their way back to

each other. If you are perpetually unhappy, chances are you have lost your connection

and you feel resentful and distant from your partner. You don’t know how to get back,

and you think it might not be possible. It isn’t always easy but it’s always worth a try,

even if you don’t think so at the moment. After all, you did want to marry this person at

one point. Remember how you felt back then and put yourself in a mindset of recovery.

Here are some suggestions:

Stop playing the blame game. It does nobody any good. You think he doesn’t care

about you and he thinks you don’t care about him. Mutual blame is a dead-end cycle

that keeps spiraling you apart. He attacks you and you attack him back. This behavior

can be momentarily satisfying, but think about the long-term. Do you want to go on and

on this way?

Maybe you feel dispirited by his perpetual put-downs. You’re so used to being criticized

that you anticipate being made to feel bad. In fact, you expect to be put-down before he

even says a word. The blame game is exhausting. Now it becomes a dance of attack

and withdrawal.

Stop dancing the deadly dance. Even if you are fully cognizant of the fact that your

fundamental human need for connection is being thwarted, and even if you know in your

heart that your fear of rejection is on red alert, you can’t seem to stop. Longing for

connection and fear of rejection are universal needs and wired into your brain.

But the more he criticizes you, the higher you build your wall. And the more you

withdraw, the angrier he gets and the more he provokes you. When you hear the anger

in his voice, you realize you can’t please him, and you become even more silent and defensive. You feel hopeless, and he does, too. It’s a deadly dance and it doesn’t end

with reconciliation unless you do something about it.

Start choreographing a new dance. When you both feel hopeless about your

relationship, it’s time to take stock, perhaps with the help of a qualified professional. It’s

difficult to become unstuck when you’re at loggerheads, but you can do it. You are not

built to accept the kind of isolation you’re experiencing in your relationship. Instead, you

are a human being who needs love and connection. When you understand what your

needs are, and when you know what kind of dance you’ve been doing, you are taking

the first step in a more joyful dance. The time to start the music is now.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective

counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: