When Familiarity Breeds Contempt in a Relationship

Familiarity in a long-term relationship can go one of two ways–you can feel worn down, lose the romance, and end up feeling like siblings just sharing the same space. Or, you can build a richer, stronger, more intimate relationship.

 

If you end up feeling like siblings, your relationship can default to sibling rivalry. You begin to feel challenged, competitive, and fractious, fighting for every point you make in a conversation. This negativity leads to less understanding and compassion for your partner. You’re more apt to be judgmental, and suspect your partner of an agenda. You become on the lookout for incidents of maltreatment when in fact there may be none. But a negative relationship can make you wary.

How did things devolve to such a negative state?

 

It’s the little things. When your partner asks for your attention and you blow him off, it can make a difference, and not in a good way. If this happens often over time, it erodes your relationship. Research shows that in good relationships partners turn toward each other 86% of the time. In negative relationships, where partners are headed toward separation, they turn toward each other only 33% of the time. People feel alone in these situations and experience the lack of closeness that erodes their sexual relationship and their romantic life. People who feel disconnected, ultimately turn away from their partners even during positive situations, expecting the worst.

 

The damage of accumulated negative experiences

 

While small acts of ignoring your partner or occasionally not responding to them seem inconsequential, the accumulation of these experiences can be devastating. If you’re on the receiving end of this lack of response, you begin to feel rejected and that hurts. You’re only human, so you avoid interaction with your partner for fear of rejection. For this, you can be forgiven if you begin to resent him and feel hostile towards your partner. You assume the worst from him and in your mind, you build up resentment. Over time, this foments into anger. When you finally explode, your partner is shocked to discover the vitriol you display. Fights with him become more intense and more frequent and more difficult to repair.

 

Work to improve your daily interactions.

 

How you respond to your partner on a daily basis makes a big difference. You can make a choice to be more attentive to your partner and to treat him with kindness. When you are more receptive to him, you become closer. When you are more intimate over time, you begin to feel warm and accepted and loved. Your partner is more apt to forgive you for small slights because he feels compassion. He knows you too well to suspect any malicious intentions. Your conscious awareness to turn toward your partner can result in a long-term, healthy relationship.

 

 

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact