One of the paradoxical effects of porn addiction is sexual dysfunction, often erectile dysfunction. Many of these men have no trouble at all while watching porn, but have problems with their actual partners. Women who are mere mortals cannot compete with online imagery of hyped-up sex, even if those women are truly loved by their partners.
If you believe your partner is a porn addict, what can you do about it?
Your partner’s porn addiction affects you when your sexual pleasure is undermined by your partner’s inability to perform. He may love you but cannot show it physically, which may cause you to wonder what you’re doing wrong. You may even feel betrayed as if your partner is cheating on you with online images. It would put a strain on any relationship.
Talk about it. Porn may feel like a forbidden subject, but if you think you are losing your partner to porn, it’s time to talk. Ask him if he thinks the time he spends watching porn is affecting your relationship. After all, it’s time he’s not spending with you. But more than that, it often affects the time he is actually with you. The key to this crucial conversation is NOT to criticize or blame, but to try and understand what’s going on with him.
Try not to take it personally. This is hard to do when your partner seems to prefer someone or something more than you. When your physical bond is jeopardized, so is your relationship, and that can make you feel all sorts of unhappy things, like shame or fear. But try to understand that people have dysfunctional habits for all sorts of reasons, many of which probably have nothing to do with you. If your partner is struggling with porn, it’s useful to find out why.
Seek couples counseling. A couples therapist can help you talk with your partner in a productive way. Often the person watching porn thinks it’s no big deal, while his partner feels bereft and betrayed. A therapist can help the porn-watching person determine for himself if his habit is damaging his relationship. She can also help his partner to allay her anxiety about this issue. A therapist can also recommend a sex addiction therapist if that seems to be appropriate. It may be a good idea to seek out organizations like Sexaholics Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Keep up good communication. Your relationship has been under stress—he feels the need for porn, and you feel angry and/or anxious. This cycle can be contained when you keep your connection through caring communication. Also, you may benefit from additional counseling. When you feel rejected by your partner—a person you depend on—it can cause you deep distress that may also be mitigated through therapy.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/comtact
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