The “Four Horsemen” of relationship communication, identified by psychologist John Gottman, are patterns that can lead to conflict and disconnection. The first horseman is criticism, which differs from a healthy complaint or constructive feedback. Let’s explore the characteristics of criticism and how to express concerns without harm.
Understanding Criticism
Criticism focuses on attacking a person’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. It often uses phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” and can leave the recipient feeling attacked, defensive, or resentful.
Examples of Criticism:
- “You’re so selfish. You never think about anyone else.”
- “You always leave a mess for me to clean up. Why can’t you ever help?”
Distinguishing Criticism from a Complaint
A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or action without assigning blame or attacking the person. It communicates a concern while leaving room for dialogue and resolution.
Examples of a Complaint:
- Criticism: “You never help with the dishes. You’re so lazy.”
- Complaint: “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do the dishes alone. Could you help more often?”
Tips for Expressing Concerns Constructively
- Use “I” Statements
Focus on your feelings and needs instead of blaming the other person. - Example: “I feel frustrated when…”
- Address Specific Behaviors
Be clear about the action or situation, not the person’s character. - Example: “It would mean a lot if you put your clothes in the laundry basket.”
- Avoid Absolutes
Words like “always” or “never” can escalate conflict. Instead, describe the situation accurately. - Example: “Sometimes when you don’t text back, I feel ignored.”
- Be Polite and Respectful
Tone matters. A calm, respectful approach invites cooperation.
Antidote to Criticism
The antidote to criticism is expressing a gentle startup—bringing up issues softly and with kindness. A gentle startup sets a positive tone and helps both parties feel heard and respected.
Gentle Startup Formula:
- Start with a positive or neutral observation.
- State how you feel.
- Make a specific request.
Example:
“I really appreciate all you do around the house. I’ve been feeling a little stressed about the dishes piling up. Could we come up with a plan to share that task?”
By replacing criticism with gentle, constructive communication, you foster a more supportive and understanding relationship environment.