Solid Advice for Solid Relationships

Every couple has a different path and a unique relationship. But most couples have a

similar goal, and that is to have a long and happy life together. Even though everyone is

distinctly individual, there are some universal axioms that all couples might find useful if

they’re striving for a good, solid, long-term relationship.

Kindergarten Skills

Things you learned in kindergarten are useful your entire life. Kindergarten is where you

discover how to get along with others, how to make friends, how to take turns. In a

relationship, these fundamental skills are important. If you can be civil as a five-year-old,

you can be civil now. It’s just that sometimes couples forget to be civil to one another.

You should at least be as nice to your partner as you were to your friend in kindergarten.

When you take turns talking instead of talking over or talking past your partner, you

have a better chance of communicating well. When you take turns, one person can

listen–truly listen–and the other person can be heard. Pay attention when your partner

is speaking and when they are finished, paraphrase what you heard to confirm you

understood what your partner meant to convey.

Viva la Difference

No two people have the same expectations, desires, or worldview. Your partner can’t

be the same as you, and so you have to manage the differences between you. It’s one

the most important skills you can have in a relationship.

If you try to manage your differences by proving your way is the best, you’re bound to

have problems. But if you are flexible enough to try to reconcile your differences with

your partner, you have a better chance. Be flexible, too, about trying to see and accept

your partner’s perspective. Maybe he has a good point of view that you’ve never considered. Be open to other ideas. Be curious about why your partner thinks the way

he does. It will help you understand him.

Right v Happy

Being right is satisfying, but it has no correlation to being happy. In fact, if you are stuck

on insisting that you’re right and your partner’s wrong, you’re bound to be unhappy. You

get into a cycle of attacking and defending that can be a bad habit. Even if you actually

are right, and your facts are neatly on your side, you are more argumentative than when

you focus on feelings. When the facts are so obviously correct, how can your partner

feel the way he does? It’s a good idea to find out why, without judgement. When you

focus on feelings, you are less apt to be adversarial and more apt to be understanding.

Intentional Approach

You’ve heard the bromide about the boiling frog. You become desensitized to a bad

situation and let it go on until your relationship is cooked. Sometimes couples just take

the path of least resistance and let life go on on a subpar level. It might be easier, but it

can be detrimental to your relationship. When you make proactive decisions about how

you want to live, you decide what’s right for you both. You take an intentional approach

to living every day. It can be empowering.

Play Together, Stay Together

Laughter is the best medicine for a healthy relationship. Judicious use of humor can

even deflate a potentially explosive argument. But more than that, when you have fun

together, or find humor wherever you can, sometimes in unexpected moments, you

build a connection with one another. It gets stronger with every laugh you share.

Know Thyself

Couples who understand their own and their partner’s wants and needs are more likely

to help each other build fulfilling lives. If you think about it, you probably already know

what’s getting in the way of your happiness. You know what’s working and what’s not

working in your relationship. You know what you’ve been avoiding discussing and you

know what you’ve been tolerating that you wish you didn’t have to. Sometimes, though,

it’s hard to know, and that’s when therapy with a qualified professional can help.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective

counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here:

https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact