Is She/He Right for You?

In the rush of a new relationship, you stay up all night talking. You can’t stop thinking about him. And every minute you’re away from him seems to drag in slow motion. You’re in the first stage of love, and your hormones are racing. You can’t think straight.

Because you are human, there’s no getting around your physical reaction. You are designed to bond, and in so doing, your body releases oxytocin to your brain. You become elated to be with your loved one, with dopamine coursing through your body. It impairs your thinking and perhaps your judgement. Which is why it’s useful to keep in mind danger signs before you get too far along in the relationship. Forewarned is forearmed.

If your loved one displays certain behaviors, your relationship may be headed for disaster.

Criticism – Everyone gets occasional criticism from his partner—sometimes it’s even constructive. When criticism is requested and welcome, it can help us grow and improve. But when it’s a steady drip of nagging about your character flaws, then it’s destructive. If you’re dating someone with an acid tongue, beware.

On the other hand, when your partner discusses his concerns with you gently, with respect for your feelings, it’s a good sign. Instead of snarky criticism, he talks to you about what’s bothering him by telling you how he’s feeling instead of being accusatory or mean.

Defensive – People who behave defensively are trying to protect themselves. Their main concern is to justify their behavior. They are usually so concerned about themselves and being right that they don’t have much time for consideration of you. Instead, they probably have power or control issues. If you try to confront them about anything, or, God forbid, you try to hold them accountable, watch out.

But if your partner learns to become less defensive, he takes responsibility for his actions. He listens to your concerns and validates them without getting his back up. He acknowledges his part in the problem.

Silent Treatment – Sometimes called stonewalling, the silent treatment is when your partner disengages and shuts down, unable to communicate with you. It’s a way for him to avoid confrontation or emotional discomfort. Often, it’s a way for him to recover from being emotionally overwhelmed or flooded with stress and a racing heart.

Everyone gets upset from time to time, and for some people, that means shutting down until they’ve recovered from an emotional upset. They need to take a break, and you understand and give the space they need to self-soothe.

Contempt – If your partner is contemptuous of you, it’s probably the worst sign of all. Because contempt is a way of showing that you are beneath him and that you deserve scorn. If your partner is contemptuous of you, he feels superior to you. A relationship in which one partner feels disdain for another is doomed to fail unless that partner makes significant changes in his attitude.

A partner who expresses contempt needs to understand the source of his anger and hostility. He needs to explore his feelings so he can curb his sharp remarks. But he must also learn to hold his partner in higher regard, or the relationship will be in trouble.

When you know the red flags that might lead to heartache with a partner, you will be better prepared to avoid them and more able to form healthy relationships.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact