At the beginning of every year, many of us begin making promises to ourselves. These resolutions may seem like a fairly simple, logical idea. “This year, I’m going to be healthier!” or “This year, I’m going to put myself first!” These simple declarations can be harder to manage throughout the next 364 days than we imagine, but each of these promises are important to us. So instead of letting your New Year’s resolutions (or any other goals you may encounter throughout the year) fall to the wayside, take a few small steps to ensure that you stay motivated and accomplish your goals!
1. Don’t “Go Big, or Go Home!” It’s pretty easy to wake up on January 1st and say to yourself, “This year, I’m going to be in the best shape of my life!” On Day One, it can even be pretty easy to go through your kitchen and toss away all of your bad-habit foods, stop by a sporting goods store to by a yoga mat, or even order that intense workout system you see every morning on the infomercials. But what happens on Day Two? Or Week Two? Staying motivated is much easier when you set yourself small, attainable goals. These can certainly build up to a grander vision, but small achievements will help you keep rolling. “Go to the gym on Mondays” is much less stressful than “Lose 50 pounds as fast as possible.”
2. Frame Your Goals in Positivity. Motivation, and accomplishment, is all in how you frame a situation. You have to be very careful what you tell yourself when you’re trying to change your lifestyle. People attempting to quit smoking have trouble putting down the cigarette when they think, “If I quit, I won’t get lung cancer.” Smokers have trouble associating with this negative aspect of the habit; it’s hard to imagine because it’s unpleasant to think about and seemingly far into the future. If instead, they were to say to themselves, “If I quit, I’ll save about $30 dollars a week!” This statement adds a new positive aspect to the lifestyle change, and offers a reward quickly.
3. Be specific about what you want. Our first instinct when setting goals is making a broad statement to cover an entire aspect of our lives. “I’m going to improve my relationship,” is a great idea—but what do you really have in mind? Because you haven’t defined what you want in this change, you have plenty of ways to excuse yourself from accomplishing the goal. “Improving your relationship” might mean that you decide to ignore a hurtful comment here or there, but if these comments weren’t a major problem in the first place, then you haven’t accomplished anything yet! Instead of the sweeping generalization, try a statement like, “I want to improve my relationship by spending more time with my partner.”
4. Be flexible with your idea of success. This may seem the antithesis of “Be specific,” but being flexible with your vision of accomplishment will help you to feel better about your journey to a lifestyle change. We may start towards a goal with the best intentions, but it may not be able to completely follow through the way we originally imagined. If your New Year’s resolution included “Build a healthy relationship,” but you find yourself single when you begin evaluating your accomplishments, recount what you did accomplish instead. You might not have found the perfect relationship with a partner, but did you build a better relationship with yourself? With your family and friends? Are you in a better place to enter a healthy relationship? Answering yes to these questions should still count as some success in your goal!
5. Get support for your resolutions. Going through a lifestyle change alone is nearly impossible, especially if you are in a relationship. Instead of working on your resolution by yourself, find support in the way that will help you most. This may include finding a “Resolution Buddy,” who is working on making similar changes. You may decide to ask your partner for encouragement to help you stay motivated. Some of us even benefit from joining large support groups, in person or online, to help us with lifestyle changes.
6. Enjoy the journey. You lose motivation when you aren’t enjoying yourself. If the efforts towards your lifestyle change are making your resolution a chore, you won’t want to succeed. Instead of begrudgingly going through the motions, find a way to enjoy each step in your journey towards success. It may help to remind yourself what you’re working for, or to make your goal into a game. Finding ways to appreciate your work, your success, and the benefits to your life will keep your motivated through the year.
Do you find yourself trying to “keep up with the Joneses”? Do you feel discouraged when you see the people around you succeeding? Or feel inadequate when you compare your house, car, job, or relationship to those of your friends and co-workers? Constantly comparing yourself to others can be a destructive habit, but many people find themselves guilty of this. Instead of giving so much attention to the wealth or success of the people around you, focusing on yourself and your accomplishments can help you be happier with your own accomplishments and give you the motivation and focus to reach new goals.
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If you can’t think something nice, don’t think anything at all. The way that we feel about other people has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves. It can be tempting to be judgmental of the people at your office or local hangout; we’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to others and finding them lacking. However, the more you judge others, the more you tend to judge yourself. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of the people around you, think about the positive. Focus on loving the people around you so that you are more capable of loving yourself. If you see someone having trouble with something, try to help them. Be kind to the people around you. You might notice that your own life seems a little happier.
- Leave heroes to the movies and comic books. It’s generally easy to find people to idolize. Whether it’s a celebrity, the subject of a moving news article, or the employee of the month—when you place people on a pedestal, you can become disconnected with them and their achievements. It can be easy to believe that you are unable of achieving similar accomplishment, and that you share so few of the same attributes. Comparing yourself to these heroes can make you look at your own life with a more critical eye. Instead of thinking of people you admire as idols or heroes, think of them as potential friends or role models. Focus on the attributes that you have in common (even if you’ve never met your role model)
- Realize there is no such thing as “winning.” Life isn’t a race. There is no such thing as first place—and you should be thankful for this. Despite your basis of comparison, you will generally be able to find someone in the world that is better than you at something. This can be hard to accept, but this point is one of the best reasons not to compare yourself to anyone. You shouldn’t be in competition with the people around you. Look at other people’s achievements as goals that you can set for yourself, not as evidence that they have more or less success than you.
- Compare your past to your present. It’s natural to need some metric to compare our life’s success. Our minds are designed to rank and organize everything around us, including achievements. Instead of focusing on how you rank compared to other people, why not look at how you compare to yourself one year ago. What have you accomplished in the last 12 months? What are you doing differently? What have you gained? You might be surprised with all of the achievements that you can list. Realizing how far you have come can help you regain focus and motivation to grow further.
October 25, 2011
Every now and again, there comes an exposé or piece of research that can truly change your life. “The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married” may not go so far as pushing you to a monumental life change, but that author certainly hopes that she can change your mind about the modern marriage. The author’s purpose is to impress on her readers that if you truly love your family, you’ll find a way—any way—to make your marriage work.
In her preface, Iris Krasnow announces, “My goal is to shatter false dream worlds by airing the voices of real women willing to reveal all.” If Mrs. Krasnow’s account of the modern marriage is any indication of the true landscape of the American dreams, we can all kiss thoughts of easy communication and working through problems together goodbye! The accounts in “The Secret Lives of Wives” indicate that what it really takes to stay marriage is not to stay together and united, but separate and in the same house. Krasnow shares stories from promiscuous seniors who engage in weekly petting sessions with an old college boyfriend (who is NOT the current husband), a wife who considers herself and husband “monogamous swingers” who have been sharing their bed with friends for more than a decade, and a journalist whose mantra by age 39 was “I hate my husband, I hate my husband, I hate my husband.” And all of this—separate vacations, secret rendezvous, and infidelity at every turn—is what makes a healthy marriage.
While these might be very true accounts of what is happening in the American marriage, should we consider this to be the picture of the healthy American relationship? Krasnow suggests, “What is clear from my research is that modern marriage can look dozens of different ways, and this frees all of us to write our own rules.” But just how liberal can we be with these rules? Is it really better to hang on to a floundering marriage filled with miscommunication and alone time than to call it quits? Is it a woman’s responsibility to take charge of their own happiness by compartmentalizing their life into “Good Father and Provider, dislikes sex” and “Boyfriend, likes sex”? Do the real life Desperate Housewives have it right?
The marriages depicted in Krasnow’s book may be “working”, but a relationship filled with inconsistencies, mistruths, and infidelity cannot be considered healthy and normal. Sneaking around might be exciting, but what happens then the truth comes out? When your husband’s friend or your children see you out with that old college boyfriend? Relationships are hard work. You won’t always get along with your spouse. You might feel up when they feel down, energetic when they’re tired. If this is a constant problem, if your timing and communications are never in sync, consider a counselor before considering a lover. Iris Krasnow has collected hundreds of intriguing tales, but few of them—if any—are worth taking to heart.
September 26, 2011
Many of us have very specific criteria that we work from when choosing a mate. We might swoon for our partner’s looks, their attitude, their work ethic, or even their work! When we first meet someone, we may even consider that we have a lot of things in common: where we went to school, a same hometown, an enjoyment of cheesy movies. But what about the long-term? After we have formed the initial relationship, many of us worry about ways to strengthen our relationship and become closer to our partners. While the basis of every good relationship is love and respect, these can only take you so far when you’ve run out of things to talk about.
Instead of longing for the early days of your relationship when you had a multitude of things to talk about, try building a new friendship with your partner! Spending quality time together is the best way to strengthen bonds, renew excitement about your relationship, and truly get to know your partner as the person they are now. Quality time doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to sit on the sofa and flip through photo albums. Many couples have decided to interpret this idea as taking up a hobby together. In fact, some studies show that sharing a hobby with your partner increases the success rate of a relationship! Shared hobbies help couples increase the level of intimacy and understanding. Some couples even cite that their hobby helped them cope with everyday stress and major life changes with greater ease and less conflict!
Of course there is no one magic activity that will be right for every relationship. You should decide on the new activity with your partner. Take time to discuss what you both are interested in. For example, if you and your partner are both crafty, you might want to take up a new craft project or even start a small renovation project in your home. If you’re both bookworms, take your hobby search to the library! You might decide on having your own in-home book club. If both you and your partner are interested in getting into better shape, you might take up running or biking together; fitness related hobbies have the added benefit of an improved physique for you and your partner!
While many couples who play together, stay together, most would advise to steer clear of hobbies that invoke too much competition. This is definitely true if one or both partners are highly competitive, and might take a low-score too personally. A “no score zone” helps ensure that both partners are having fun and helps to keep resentment and embarrassment out of the bonding experience.
Next time you start feeling like you and your partner have nothing to talk about, don’t go off with friends or try to entertain yourself. Talk to them about ways that you can spend more time together, and grow with each other. Discuss ways that you can have more fun together. After all, wouldn’t it be wonderful to be married to your best friend?
August 22, 2011
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s divorce announcement came as a shock to the public. The couple has been married for seven years and have 2 children—3 year old twins, Emme and Max. J.Lo and Marc Anthony were painted as a loving, Latino power couple. There were no media worthy signs of troubles in the relationship. Of course, with their recent announcement, the rumor mill has begun and the press has been flooded with news of everything from Marc Anthony begging for Jennifer to stay, Anthony’s affair with a stewardess, his jealousy over Jennifer’s successful career, and even J.Lo’s alleged romance with William Levy—her co-star in the “I’m Into You” music video!
The question remains, was Jennifer as surprised as the rest of us? Were there warning signs that she overlooked in her marriage to the Latin pop star? Now that the couple’s baggage is being aired, many of Marc Anthony’s flaws are coming to join him in the limelight.
Marc Anthony’s first “red flag” should have been his previous marriages. The Latino star has been married twice. Before Jennifer, he was married to former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres; the couple had two children together. Of course, Jennifer Lopez was no stranger to the wedding march; the singer-actress had also been married twice, and engaged to be married before Marc. However, Marc and Jennifer were married in a secret ceremony only days after his divorce to Torres was finalized! Was Marc on the rebound? Had Jennifer played the role of the other women during his marriage? Certainly his ability to fall from one marriage to another so quickly would have been the first sign that Jennifer should proceed with caution.
The couple was also faced with financial problems. When Jennifer and Marc were first married, Jennifer discovered that not only did her husband owe a few dollars of back-taxes on his estate in Long Island—he owed millions of dollars to the government! Money issues are a common problem in many marriages, and likely was not a breaking point for the Anthony-Lopez union. However, even with the power couple’s celebrity income, this major debt was an unpleasant surprise. It didn’t help that this was seemingly the first major secret of their relationship.
Sources close to the couple have not been shy in telling the press that Marc Anthony has control issues. The husband felt that he had a say in everything from where the couple should live (he chose New York while J.Lo’s career was based in L.A.), to her career! Sources close to the female star report that she felt that her career had hit its lowest point during her marriage with Marc. Jennifer’s stylist admits that sometimes, Marc would even attempt to sway her wardrobe choices! Her stylist told the press, “Marc is very controlling. In the beginning she liked that because he stood up to her and in the early days he was very much in love with her and she was with him.” Like many aspects of their marriage, this dominating act appears much less welcome these days.
Of course, these warning signs are not the “red flag” that the media favors. Marc Anthony has been earning plenty of negative press due to the details of a 2009 affair. Sources close to the couple claim that Jennifer knew about her husband’s affair with the stewardess. She had planned to leave her husband after the incident, but reconsidered when he begged her to stay. The couple had even gone to counseling over the incident! It’s very likely that Jennifer still feels that pain of this infidelity; Marc’s wandering eye and the time that he has spent with his ex-wife, Miss Universe Torres, probably haven’t helped her feel more secure in their union.
As a final sign, Marc Anthony made it very apparent throughout his relationship that he did not trust his wife. One person close to the couple admits, “[Anthony] couldn’t stand her working around men who were remotely attractive unless he was there supervising.” As a successful actress, this could easily pose a problem in her career and her freedom. Finally, with their divorce on the horizon, Marc Anthony claimed the Jennifer Lopez even cheated on him with her music video co-star. Both J.Lo and co-star William Levy deny the accusation. Could this be Anthony projecting his own behavior on his soon to be ex-wife?
Whether Jennifer didn’t see the warning signs, or simply chose to ignore them are anyone’s guess. Luckily, the Hollywood star appears firm in her decision to separate with her husband. She admits that she did love Marc, but also told Vanity Fair, “Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself—if I stay, then I’m not doing the right thing for me.”
July 26, 2011
The nation loves a racy political scandal. This certainly held true as the details about the Weiner-Twitter scandal were leaked to the press. Like many Americans, Anthony Weiner seems to have fallen victim to the temptation of sexting, as he reportedly sent a lewd photograph to a college student via Twitter. Not only did Weiner manage to harm his own political career, but also his relationship with his wife, Huma Abedin.
Huma Abedin’s roll throughout this appears to be that of a supporting wife. Though this incident, and all of the publicity that followed, certainly was not the crowning moment of their relationship, Huma Abedin will stay with her husband. Weiner announced to the press, “We have no intention of splitting over this. We have been through a lot together. We will weather this. I love her. She loves me.” When the publicity began, Abedin was in the early stages of her first pregnancy, and devoted to not only her husband’s political career, but her own. Though those around her have reported that Abedin seems distressed by the incident and the publicity, she has remained dedicated to her position as Hillary Clinton’s aide and her husband.
But how can Abedin and Weiner hope to repair their marriage after this fallout? How can any of us respond to infidelity?
When initially responding to instances of infidelity, especially for couples who plan to remain together, it is important to give each other space. Abedin appears to have taken this to heart. Only weeks after the scandal hit, she left for the Middle East with Hillary Clinton. Abedin has also formed a small support group, including Clinton who is no stranger to these sex scandals or the press that follows.
It is also important that Abedin doesn’t remain distant forever. Like all couples, Weiner and Abedin will need to talk about what happened, and why. Weiner has already taken responsibility for his actions; now the couple will need to create a plan to avoid these same encounters in the future.
Marriage counseling should be in the card for Abedin and Weiner. With the added stress of their first pregnancy and the publicity of the infidelity, an impartial third party could only help as they weather and work through these hard times. Some sources have indicated that Weiner has had a problem with sexting behavior previously, and a therapist could work with the couple to curb his impulse for this racy technological craze.
Most importantly, Abedin and Weiner will need to spend quality time together. After infidelity, couples benefit from spending time with each other. Quality time encourages the wronged party to forgive, while letting the other know that they are forgiven; this rebuilds trust, which is so significant to any newly married couple, and new, growing family.
Will Abedin and Weiner move past this incident in their relationship? The odds are in their favor. Though she may feel disheartened, Huma Abedin is taking every step to ensure that she is an accepting, forgiving wife.
June 27, 2011
After 25 years of marriage, former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have separated, amidst confirmation of Arnold’s 13-year-old illegitimate child with a former housekeeper. But it seems that a split has been a long time coming, at least for Maria. It has been reported that Maria has contemplated divorce for several years, but each time a family death has taken precedence: first, her mother, then her uncle, then her father. Now, in light of the confirmation of Arnold’s illegitimate child and additional accusations of impropriety, coupled with the easing of her professional responsibilities and her childrens’ growing up, the time seems to be right for her to finally end their relationship. And now, as so frequently happens, apparently Arnold is trying very hard to save his marriage. According to one source, “He could not be sweeter now that she’s left him.”
It seems to be a matter of too little, too late. “Maria has already begun to move on from her failed marriage. She and Arnold do talk, they have to — they have four children together. But, Maria has made it clear to Arnold that there is no chance at a reconciliation. Arnold finally seems to be accepting this, but he doesn’t like it,” one source said.
Things between the pair remain amicable; however there appears to be little chance of reunion. Neither has filed for divorce, yet, but both have hired attorneys and appear to be working out a settlement. Their apparent goal is to reach a mutually agreed upon arrangement before filing that will benefit their children while sparing them from the fallout, as much as possible.
“We are continuing to parent our four children together. They are the light and the center of both of our lives. We consider this a private matter, and neither we nor any of our friends or family will have further comment.” The couple said in a joint statement.
As far as what the future holds for them now, Arnold has always been very good at reinventing himself: from bodybuilder to action-movie star to governor of California. Maria has been politically active and she’s a writer and former journalist.
Regarding their split, working together will be the best way to proceed. Mediation could be the optimal choice for Arnold and Maria. It seems that neither one is looking for a fight. A big, nasty battle is how divorce lawyers usually make their money. Employing a mediator who is also an knowledgeable divorce attorney can help them answer legal questions, draw up the required documents and negotiate a mutually beneficial agreement. The advantage of mediation in a case like Arnold and Maria’s is that the details of the discussion leading up to a settlement can remain private. There is little-to-no airing of dirty laundry, no public conflict. The nasty aspects of their divorce may never be known if they avoid a court battle. It seems that an amicable split is their intention, from the start. Mediation can help it remain that way.
May 31, 2011
According to most people, Prince William and Kate Middleton, the future king and queen of England, are destined for a long and happy marriage. Even their astrology shows them to be compatible and their union, very encouraging.
They both are similar in the way they handle life’s challenges. Also, they appear to have a solid foundation on which to build a marriage and didn’t rush into anything. Theirs is the result of a long, nine-year, relationship that began as a friendship. Together, presumably, they have developed a connection that is both cherished and true.
William decided to wait until he was older to marry, possibly to avoid repeating the mistakes as his parents, Prince Charles and Princess Diana, made and to be completely certain he was making the right choice for the right reasons. This can enable the couple to grow together and form a true partnership while doing so.
The couple share modest, similar values and don’t plan on living the expected, royal, lifestyle. They hope to be more hands-on and very philanthropic. This can help them through life’s challenges.
The patience both have displayed throughout their long relationship, beginning as friendship, dating, a breakup and rekindling bodes well for their longevity.
Despite a nearly 40% divorce rate in the UK, there are several positive predictors already in place:
- The bride’s parents are still together, married for 30 years and going strong. The prince was deeply affected by his parents’ divorce. Together, these may help keep their union strong.
- Neither have children from previous relationships.
- Both are highly educated. Kate will be the first woman to have graduated college before marrying a royal. Both Kate and William were students at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland.
- They have already had pre-marital counseling, because anyone who gets married in the Church of England gets marriage preparation from whoever is officiating at the service. The officiant will speak from his experience of marrying other couples as to what it means to enter into marriage, about commitment, life as a married couple and the sanctity of marriage.
- They are both mature, not too young.
There are, however, a few things they should keep in mind:
- Marriage is best when it is more a democracy than a monarchy. An equal partnership will have a better chance at success.
- Try to keep personal issues private.
- Attempt to maintain as normal a personal life as is possible.
- Remain steadfast in your religious beliefs and practices.
Although the stakes are high, I think they’ll have a long marriage just like the Queen and Prince Philip at 64 years! Let’s wish them the best!
April 26, 2011
We all know that Charlie Sheen’s recent behavior has caused quite a stir. Everyone is questioning whether he’s still addicted to drugs and denying it, or if he’s possibly bipolar. Whether he is using or withdrawing from drugs or bipolar, the symptoms can be very similar and the experts are having difficulty diagnosing Sheen from afar.
After threatening legal action against his employers, CBS cancelled production of Two and a Half Men. His ex-wife, Brooke Mueller has gained full custody of their two-year-old twins after he bragged about his former drug abuse. Along with the resignation of his longtime manager and his grandiose, superior attitude, it’s easy to see what has people wondering. (“I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man.”) Read more:
In both addiction and mental illness, confrontation often leads to denial, even in one who would admit to either problem under non-confrontational circumstances.
Although grandiose behavior can be a sign of drug abuse, it also may point toward the mania/hypomania of bipolar disease. Sheen’s narcissistic and hyper verbal tendencies over the last several weeks, along with his anger can also be symptoms of both mania and drug abuse. All diagnoses aside, the situation of his custody battles and getting fired alone could make anyone irritable or angry.
Drugs or withdrawal? Once a person stops using drugs, extreme mood swings and erratic behavior can be seen, making any psychiatric diagnosis difficult to impossible. Occasionally, both of these problems of drugs/withdrawal may be seen simultaneously.
Bipolar disease is defined as alternating periods of elevated or irritable mood (mania) with periods of depression. Bipolar is subdivided into bipolar I and II, and mania/hypomania. The mood swings are often very dramatic and potentially violent, cycling between extreme euphoria and deep depression, although milder forms of the disease carry less extreme behaviors. Cocaine use/abuse and other chronic drug abuse problems can mimic manic-like behavior. Heavy and regular drug use can warp peoples’ world views. Then, when facing the results of their actions, they become defensive, attempt retaliation and refuse to accept blame.
Additionally, psychiatric problems occur more frequently in people with addiction problems as well. Illegal drugs and alcohol give a false sense of coping. Self-medicating is a frequent “treatment” of people with a psychiatric disorder.
Sheen’s recent behavior, despite his negative drug tests, may indicate continuing or resurgent drug use. Even so, a mental health issue cannot be discounted. He may even be suffering from a combination of drug use or withdrawal and bipolar disorder, combined. Withdrawal from other drugs and alcohol can sometimes produce a manic state; the side effects of other, even legitimate, drugs or even some medical conditions, non drug-related, can produce the symptoms and erratic behavior we have seen from Charlie Sheen. Even if none of the above is true, we’ll still speculate with what’s really up with this actor. His “Torpedo of Truth” tour has added more dates despite bad reviews because folks still want to experience the real-time Charlie Sheen package. It’s easy to see how our fascination with celebrity has created “Tiger Blood” Sheen.
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